Imagination of public caught by Crimean annexation Mar31

Imagination of public caught by Crimean annexation

As the nation sits captivated by the dramatic events unfolding in the Ukraine, all eyes are finally on Secretary of State John Kerry. “I bet trying to convince Putin to give the Crimean peninsula back is a welcome break from the middle east where he hasn’t been able to make any progress,” commented one observer. “This may finally be Kerry’s chance to shine.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain Mar29

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain

After years of masturbating to the same fondue fountain, Sean Palter announced Thursday that he was ready for a change and that he’d found a new chocolate fondue fountain. “It’s not that anything was wrong with the old one,” said Palter. “We had a lot of great times together and I am grateful for the memories we shared. But in the end, [the old] fountain was a better fit on paper than in real life. We’re just really different. I know there are no guarantees but I’m going to give things a shot with this new fondue fountain.”

Martin Acres 3-year-olds start bridge club

Eleanor, Sadie, Evelyn, Vera, Ava and Belle met for their first bridge club Monday night.  “It’s high time,” commented Belle, who had spilled a lot of marshmallow jello casserole down her shirt. “I just hope those bitches Vivian, Alice, Elsie, Pearl, Greta,  and Penelope don’t show up.” “Agreed,” said Vera. “Let’s keep the gals from knitting club out of this. This way, we can start at 4PM, have dinner, and be in bed by 7.”

Caribbean Princess adds new feature to popular on-deck zipline

After an outbreak of the Norovirus last week that sickened all 189 passengers on board the Caribbean Princess, parent company Royal Caribbean has decided to make some changes to the cruise ship’s activities. “If something like this happens again, we want to be prepared,” said RC Ambassador Bob London. “The zipline commode is just one way we think we can make guests more comfortable. The other is a late night couples event we’re going to call ‘Salsa Dancing in Diapers.’”

After weekend bender, stoner losers return to work designing nation’s spacecraft

The final barrier to a hedonistic society fell this weekend as Boulderites saw marijuana for the first time. Stoner losers Aaron Pollack and Luke Adams spent most of Sunday destroying American ideals and traditional values as they smoked a joint and watched Big Lebowski. “I feel like I could sit here all afternoon and relax,” said Adams, shifting some of the pillows around and taking a drink of tea. Fortunately, the lazy good-for-nothing stoners returned to work Monday designing spacecraft and conducting atmospheric research.

Winter catches United Airlines by surprise for 27th straight year

“What people who spend three or four hours on hold waiting for a customer service agent don’t seem to understand that this is just what happens when there is a surprise winter storm,” United’s customer service manager Mike Doyle explained Monday. ”It’s the cosmos way of saying ‘sit back, enjoy whatever godforsaken airport you happen to be stranded in, and try not to let our theme song make you tear your heart out with your bare hands.’” He added, “the good news is that we have a plan for 2018 right here on this floppy disk.”