“I usually book it up Flagstaff, but to be honest, my weight to power ratio is pretty high right now,” admitted cyclist Brad Miller in a recent conversation. “That’s going to change this season. You figure Flagstaff has a gradient of about 10%, which makes its gradient factor what? 3? So if you figure I average 10 miles per hour, that’s what – 16,000 meters per hour? Multiply my gradient factor by 100 and divide that into 16,000 and, oh let’s see, that’s about 160 watts per kilogram. Wait, that can’t be right. That means that if I weigh 180 pounds right now, that’s about 82 kilograms. That’s 160 watts divided by 82 kilograms equals 1.9. So if I lose 30 pounds by August, I’ll be at about 59 kg, which puts me up that hill at 2.7. That’s 20 miles/hour up Flagstaff, am I wrong? Holy Jesus, this isn’t making any sense, is it?”  

“It was no big deal. I mean, it was a lot of work and took a couple of tries but I think it was worth it in the end. Don’t you?” asked Boulder’s Tammy Tilsley, showing off 10 ballerina pink fingernails. “Ten dollars has me making my own coffee by next Saturday.”

“Even though I had a feeling the Avengers were going to save Earth in the end, I still found myself welling up with pride every time Captain America raised his shield. I wanted to scream, ‘I Pledge Allegiance’ or start singing ‘My Country ’tis of Thee’ right there in the second row of the theater,” said moviegoer Sarah Lewis. “I was just so proud of what America can accomplish when we put our minds and hearts together and work as a team. Also, do you think Captain America is a virgin? I might have to give that some thought later on.”

The nation is really looking forward to the holiday coming up near the end of May. “It’s definitely one of my favorites. It’s so important to commemorate – oh, you know I’d better go, it’s getting kind of late.” said Christian Leber yesterday evening.

“I will repeat every mistake I’ve ever made in life,” insisted Taylor MacMillan on Thursday. “Sometimes I’ll repeat them three or four times just to be absolutely sure they are a bad idea. But let me tell you that this is one mistake I refuse to make again. I know the Jelly shoe and the Jelly shoe knows me and it doesn’t matter what you call it – Satan, Beelzebub, or in this case, ‘Adrina,’ – I know that shoe. In fact, I can’t even listen to the Richard Marx album I bought last week without re-living the sensation of hot plastic cords rubbing over the raw open blisters covering my entire foot.”

“At first, when I looked up from my burger, I was like ‘shit man, there’s some guy in a tie at the sink,’” said Junior Walter Rogers. “Then I looked harder, and realized it wasn’t just some guy, it was a black guy!  I’m pretty sure that moment is going to go a long way in debunking the myth that this campus is full of ignorant white kids.”

“I just don’t know if Boulder is ready for a northern Italian restaurant with minimalist decor, right here on Pearl Street,” said passer-by Sarah Leslie. “Then again, it’s about time someone in this town figured out how to make a decent pizza, which – come to think of it – might be from Southern Italy. Except of course for the organic part, and the part about there being no bits of hair gel or cigarette ash in the pizza.”