Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq Aug28

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq

BAGHDAD — Sunni militants consolidated and extended their control over northern Iraq on Wednesday, seizing Tikrit, the hometown of Saddam Hussein, threatening the strategic oil refining town of Baiji and pushing south toward Baghdad, their ultimate target, Iraqi sources said. “Basically, this entire situation has gone to complete shit and we have no idea what to do next,” said one high ranking US official.  ”So we’re playing our last card.” Williams, who is suffering from a knee injury, will stay until Tuesday to pick up where the US military, CIA and State Department and Peshmerga left off.

As Ebola patient transported to US, nation silently worries that maybe no one else saw Contagion

As Nancy Writebol was transferred from Liberia to Emory University in Atlanta for Ebola treatment, some Americans were relieved that Writebol would get the best medical care her country could offer. Others couldn’t help wondering if they were the only ones who saw Contagion. “If you saw Contagion, you know a virus like Ebola can spread pretty quickly, particularly if you don’t have someone like Matt Damon trying to find out who Gwyneth Paltrow was having an affair with,” said one local Ebola expert. “I guess that means we need to find out who all Writebol was sleeping with.”

Putin’s approval rating hits all time high of 120%

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings soared to an all-time high of 120% this week, a standing ovation for a man who’s helped send eastern Europe into crisis, who aided in shooting down a passenger jet and who is about to invade the democratic country of Ukraine.  ”I was a little shocked myself when I saw the survey responses start to trickle in” said the 14 year President. “I was hoping to see them somewhere in the ballpark of 130 or 140%. Oh well, I guess there’s always next year, or the year after, or the year after that.”

Nibbles wants to know where Bunga Bunga party will be

When Vicenzo “Nibbles” Nibali crossed the finish line of the Tour earlier today, he became the first Italian to win a Tour de France in 16 years. The victory was shared by fans all over the world who were rooting for the Italian, at least one of which was a hamster with the same nickname.  ”I had to watch. I don’t care if I’m the only one who is,” wrote Nibbles Schmeckenhoffer on his Facebook page.  ”Anyway, now that Italy finally has something to celebrate, will someone please show me the Campari, fake volcanos and underage prostitutes, cause I’m  ready to party!”

Hobby Lobby cashier not crazy about switching to the rhythm method

Ethel Horner of Broomfield’s Hobby Lobby is concerned about a recent supreme court decision that could mean that Plan B will no longer by covered by her employer.  ”At $40 for every broken condom, you do the math,” said Horner. “It starts to add up pretty fast.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain Mar29

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain

After years of masturbating to the same fondue fountain, Sean Palter announced Thursday that he was ready for a change and that he’d found a new chocolate fondue fountain. “It’s not that anything was wrong with the old one,” said Palter. “We had a lot of great times together and I am grateful for the memories we shared. But in the end, [the old] fountain was a better fit on paper than in real life. We’re just really different. I know there are no guarantees but I’m going to give things a shot with this new fondue fountain.”