Boulder looks on with pride as obese men in spandex appear to hit training milestone Jan25

Boulder looks on with pride as obese men in spandex appear to hit training milestone

“It seemed like a great match,” observed Roger Saplow, using his shoe to unroll a neighbor’s Daily Camera Monday morning. “Those guys look like they’ve been training hard.  Obviously, they have a ways to go before they’re in any kind of passable physical condition, but I’m proud of them for getting out there in the cold weather and getting their heart rates up.  You gotta start somewhere.”

Number of women assaulted by Bill Cosby now officially outnumbers the total number of women who have ever watched The History Channel’s Civil Wa...

On Wednesday, Bill Cosby was charged with aggravated indecent assault for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Costand in 2004, bringing the total number of women who have come forward to accuse the comedian of assault over several decades to 55.  To the History Channel, this number is significant because it represents the total number of women who have ever tuned into the channel’s Civil War Journal. Controversially, the 55 figure includes one woman, Ethel Werner, who was recovering from pneumonia in the hospital and was simply too weak to reach the remote control.

After Star Wars show sells out, guy dressed as Ewok opts for indy lesbian love story Jan02

After Star Wars show sells out, guy dressed as Ewok opts for indy lesbian love story

When Harry Stillman showed up too late Friday to get tickets to Star Wars: A Force Awakens, he opted instead for Carol, a drama about two women who become entrapped in a forbidden love affair in the 1950s. “While Rooney Mara gracefully evoked Audrey Hepburn, and Blanchett was convincing as a temptress, ultimately the plot moved too slowly, lacked theatrical punch, and so loosely drifted against the backdrop of McCarthy hearings that I never felt them tearing apart the emotional fabric of the love affair,” said Stillman. He added: “On the other hand, the cinematography was elegant, and I will not just be shocked, but disappointed if Carol isn’t nominated in the costume design category this year.”

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet” Jan01

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet”

Connie Jenkins, who has not seen a newspaper or turned on the TV news for at least six months, announced on Facebook Friday that 2016 is going to be the best year yet. “I just have that feeling that now that we have terrorism and climate change pretty much under control, everything from here on out is just coasting,” wrote Jenkins. “2016 is going to be the best one yet.”

Scientists find that talking about workouts offsets any exercise-induced cognitive gains

British researchers in 2015 used a database of information about the health and habits of twins to show that muscle health was linked to cognitive abilities throughout life.  However, a disturbing side effect was that many of the gains were offset by the amount a person talked about his or her exercise regimen. “We found a troubling amount of empty brain space in people who were physically inactive, in people who talked about their workouts, and in the people who got stuck listening,” according to the study.  The alarming results of the cognitive losses – over a year – were roughly equivalent to watching an entire season of Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Specialty cheese shop runs out of chocolate with the fancy paper

A local cheese and specialty foods shop temporarily ran out of fancy chocolate Friday. “First of all, the shop played ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas‘  twelve times over a four hour period, so I was already on the edge of driving a sharp object through my eye,” said Harry the paper mache pig from his hospital room. “Then, they ran out of the really good chocolate, the bars wrapped in matte paper with classy geometric prints – almost like wallpaper or Ralph Lauren pyjamas – very Brooklyn, with a hint of sailing.   It’s one of my favorites and it pairs perfectly with our Portobello Mushroom Soup with Goat Cheese Croutons. I know you’re looking at me like hanging myself was an overreaction, but it’s not like they ran out of Chocolove.”

Spider spends another lonely night fantasizing about mating with Kim Kardashian’s eyelash extensions

Larry, a common Colorado Hacklemesh Weaver, spent another lonely night in his web behind the Casterman’s sofa, wondering what it would be like to spend just one night with Kim Kardashian’s lash extensions. “I’ll tell you what,” said Larry, wiping the sweat from above his four eyes, “I hope Kanye appreciates what’s on that pillow next to him. Kim’s lashes look just like a girl I dated a long time ago, but younger and nastier. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn here when I say that I could f**k the s**t out of those falsies all night long,” added the spider, who ordinary tries not to be envious of celebrity personalities like Kanye. “Sometimes I have to remind myself that, as Washington Irving was fond of saying, ‘He is the true enchanter, whose spell operates, not upon the senses, but upon the imagination and the heart.'”