“I felt sorry for him because he didn’t seem to speak any English,” said Hanna Lerner, who’d originally flagged down a man she thought was her waiter. “So I just let him go on and on about the wine list. He was getting so excited and I kept nodding so that I he would know he’s welcome in this country,” she said. “The next thing I knew, I’d bought a $140 bottle of wine. Really, all I wanted was a knife for my goddamn pizza.”
Attorney General Nathan Clifford overlooked as best looking Attorney General
In an awkward gaffe, Obama apparently forgot all about 1838 Maine Attorney General Nathan Clifford when he was naming “best looking” attorney generals Wednesday. Clifford, who also served as the 20th US Attorney General, tried his best to be professional despite feeling like President James K. Polk was continuously “undressing me with his eyes.”
Dennis Rodman most recent black man to discover Asian fetish was trouble
“I must have gotten caught up in the glamour of North Korea,” Rodman told reporters Sunday. “I don’t know what else to say. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Boulder secretly wishing Coyotes would switch to chasing Cats
“The east Boulder coyote problem is getting out of control. I can’t even take my eyes off of Boris, my Schnauzer, in the dogpark without wondering if he’ll be there when I look back,” complained Carrie Logran. “It’s another thing to eat a cat wandering around at 3am,” she added, ”No one is going to complain about that.”
Ten out of ten men have no problem with new LuLu Lemon Pants
“At first I thought to myself, who wants to see a bunch of half-naked 20-something year old girls bending over in sheer pants?” said Ronald Tims, “but I am slowly warming up to the idea.”
Poached, now fermented, elk brings Anthony Bourdain to Boulder
“I’ve only had fermented poached elk once,” said Bourdain as he arrived in Boulder. “The brains were served over a bed of mashed dog testicles. It was the best thing I’ve had since I ate rat tail stew in the Caribbean. I couldn’t be happier to be here.”
Traveler exhausted after 5 kitchen remodels on flight from New Jersey to Denver
United passenger Travis Wolf stepped off the plan exhausted Thursday afternoon after watching five kitchen remodels between New Jersey and Denver. “I wasn’t going to fall into the DYI trap again, but the guy in 7F was watching, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the cabinet sanding. I started out with ‘Kitchen Nightmares’ but that got a little intense so I switched over to ‘Kitchen Renovations,’ and then caught the tail end of ‘I hate my kitchen.’ I’m walking away with a sense of accomplishment but also feel pretty moved and proud to know that I’m giving back. First these people hated their kitchens and now they love them.”