Starbucks attempts to repair tarnished image with new Christmas frappuccino straw

After its brutal 2015  attack on Christmas, Starbucks Coffee announced Thursday that it would be unveiling a new Christmas  Frappuccino straw.”I feel really bad about the decision this company made to omit the words ‘Merry Christmas’ from our red and green holiday cup,” said Regional Manager Dorothy McConnelly. “Truth is, I didn’t even know Christian ultra-conservatives were getting their coffee at Starbucks. I guess I thought  thought fair trade coffee would scare them off. Anyway, hopefully this straw will make up for any hurt feelings.”

After long afternoon at Aspen Tan, Trump stops by GOP debate

Boulder – While a few of the Republican candidates studied up on the particulars of their tax plans or rehearsed touching lines such as, “The best to let people rise and fall based on how good they are,”  at least one of the candidates was taking a nap at the Aspen Tan all afternoon. “I couldn’t come to Boulder and not stop by Aspen Tan,” said Trump, “plus it’s right next to my favorite restaurant, the California Pizza Kitchen.” (cc)

Longmont hits puberty

In a sign that Longmont has, at long last, reached puberty, the town is getting its first Whole Foods. “It’s an exciting time for all of us,” said a visibly moved Boulder woman who’s estranged niece has been living in Longmont. “If one of the signs of being an adult is eating cheese that hasn’t been dyed orange, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped, then I think think it’s safe to say that Longmont’s testicles just dropped.” Longmont residents are excited as well.  In a telegraph message that went out on Friday, city officials announced: “It’s time to shake off the nickname ‘Longtucky’ with a kohlrabi party, whatever that is.” And whatever it is, partygoers will surely find out how it tastes cooked into a casserole with cream of mushroom soup and  french onion soup packets. ”  (MH)

Boulder voter battles inner turmoil over whether library commission should be  consistent with other commissions as per ordinance number 8055 Oct31

Boulder voter battles inner turmoil over whether library commission should be consistent with other commissions as per ordinance number 8055

As Boulder casts its votes this week, some voters find themselves soul searching over ballot measures. “It’s a no-brainer that anyone occasionally renting their apartment to make ends meet so they can live in this outrageously expensive city should be taxed as a hotel,” said longtime resident Mary Merle. “But some of these other ballot measures really have me in a moral quandary. For example, ‘Shall the Charter be amended to make changes so that the powers and governance of the Library Commission and the uses of the Library Fund are updated to be consistent with other advisory commissions as specified in Ordinance No. 8055?’ I don’t know how anyone comes to grips with with a question like that.”

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there Oct24

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there

As news broke last week that there had been an election in Canada and that someone had won that election, North Americans took comfort that Canada was still up there.  “It’s not that I am deeply invested in the outcome of their elections,” said CU Assistant Professor Ben Lawrence.  “But it is nice to know that everything is running smoothly up there. My only suggestion would be that instead of taking up US newspaper space with meaningless details about their new Prime Minister blah blah blah, they could just do an annual email. You know, something like ‘still ok, all good, take it easy’ just to keep us up to date on Canadian affairs.”

Study: 97% of the time woman leaves room, man farts Oct18

Study: 97% of the time woman leaves room, man farts

A new study published in the New England Journal Of Medicine Tuesday reveals just how frequently men are farting when a woman leaves the room. The study reported that men are farting 97 out of every 100 times a woman gets up to go to another room, about 10% more often than most people thought.  “We need to qualify the findings,” cautioned one of the co-authors of the study. “First of all, these are early findings.  Second, we’re not talking about actual numbers of farts, or even the type of fart, but just whether or not there was a fart. Still, it’s a little troubling. I think most of us would have guessed the numbers would be much, much lower, maybe 70, 80% at most.”

Nation growing weary of waiting for far North Broomfield to connect to Sheridan underpass

For hikers, bikers, and runners and commuters alike — the Broomfield Trail just became more connected. “Broomfield residents who are growing tired of getting in their cars every time they want to pay a visit to the Sheridan underpass just got an early Christmas present,” said Cindy Aries, Deputy director of Broomfield Open Space and Trails at a ribbon cutting ceremony held earlier today. “This isn’t just a victory for dogwalkers and rollerbladers. It’s a victory for all of us who are ready to take the car culture out of suburbia.  Now, for families who want to go to Costco but don’t want to pollute the environment, there’s a better, carbon neutral option. And that option is a bicycle with a huge, huge cart dragging behind it.”