Cleanse kicks in before local diner has chance to excuse self from table

 Things were going well for local diner Paul Martin as he started his dinner off with an arugula-spinach-kale-ginger smoothie.  ”Once I managed to stomach the smoothie, I felt great,” said Martin. “Better than great, actually. I felt like I had started glowing.” But unfortunately the evening didn’t end at his raw cucumber beet soup or cashew-cheese & quinoa-noodle macaroni. “One second I was at one with the universe, and the next minute I cleansed all over my chair,” said Martin. “I thought the feeling in my stomach was just my chi buzzing but it turns out I misread that one pretty bad.”

Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Mortified Burning Man reveler can’t believe he left unicorn costume back in Boulder

Suddenly self-conscious in gold  lamé boxer briefs and suspenders, Burning Man reveler Mark Sanders found himself wishing he’d remembered the unicorn outfit back in his south Boulder bedroom.  “I feel like an idiot right now,” said Sanders. ” I can see the pubic hair from my testicles poking out of these  shorts. I wish someone would have said something before we left the Winnebago.  I could have at least changed into my cow-print unitard.”

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges Sep03

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges

“I’m fairly hungry and anxious about diseases like Malaria and Trypanosomiasis,” said eight-year old Abimbola Aziz Yfusu from a mat on the floor of her mud hut on Sunday.  ”But who doesn’t love shoes?  I’m just hoping for two things other than not getting Ebola. First, Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform Wedges. And second, that the wedges smell better than Tom’s classic canvas slip ons.”

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase Sep03

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase

Tina Cooper signaled Friday to boyfriend Scott that she was ready to take their relationship to the next level by peeling off her shirt to reveal a stained and fraying pink sports bra that she’d gotten as a hand-me-down from a college roommate.  Just the night before, she’d crammed the two Victoria’s Secret push up bras she’d been alternating to the back of the underwear drawer.  “I don’t want to say I’ll never need these again,” said Cooper, a new spring in her step and faint body odor emanating from the bra. “I know that it’s possible we could breakup some day and I’d have to go back out into the dating world. But I’m hoping Scott understands as well as I do what this move means for us.”

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq Aug28

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq

BAGHDAD — Sunni militants consolidated and extended their control over northern Iraq on Wednesday, seizing Tikrit, the hometown of Saddam Hussein, threatening the strategic oil refining town of Baiji and pushing south toward Baghdad, their ultimate target, Iraqi sources said. “Basically, this entire situation has gone to complete shit and we have no idea what to do next,” said one high ranking US official.  ”So we’re playing our last card.” Williams, who is suffering from a knee injury, will stay until Tuesday to pick up where the US military, CIA and State Department and Peshmerga left off.

As Ebola patient transported to US, nation silently worries that maybe no one else saw Contagion

As Nancy Writebol was transferred from Liberia to Emory University in Atlanta for Ebola treatment, some Americans were relieved that Writebol would get the best medical care her country could offer. Others couldn’t help wondering if they were the only ones who saw Contagion. “If you saw Contagion, you know a virus like Ebola can spread pretty quickly, particularly if you don’t have someone like Matt Damon trying to find out who Gwyneth Paltrow was having an affair with,” said one local Ebola expert. “I guess that means we need to find out who all Writebol was sleeping with.”