Woman dropped during spin class Dec14

Woman dropped during spin class

Just when Fran Spalanker thought spin class couldn’t get any closer to simulating a group ride, she got dropped Tuesday by the rest of class. “It was a zone 3 & 4 day” explained the instructor. “We don’t like to drop anyone in spin, but Fran was having trouble keeping up. I think the problem was that when everyone else was making quarter turns to the right, Fran was making 1/6 of a turn to the right. She didn’t think anyone would notice, but she was wrong.”

Homeless man and Amy Poehler agree that “taking risks and making choices is what makes life so exciting” Dec02

Homeless man and Amy Poehler agree that “taking risks and making choices is what makes life so exciting”

Amy Poehler writes in her new book Yes, Please! that taking risks and making choices is what makes life so exciting. “These are words to live by” said James Riehner, a local alcoholic drug addict. “I couldn’t have said it better myself. Anyone who tells you to  play by the rules and take the predictable, reliable route in life hasn’t seen the excitement of a knife fight under a bridge at 4am in 20 degree weather conducted entirely with shards of glass.”

Another Black Friday lost to ebay bidding war over used Rapha bibs

James Rogers breathed a sigh of relief today as he put in the last and final bid for a pair of used Rapha bibs.  ”Did I spend a little more than I wanted to on a used chamois? Maybe.Were there other things I could have been doing with 7 hours? Probably. Is a 100% wool chamois impractical? Possibly,” said Rogers. “But when you see something you want in life, you have to go after it. That’s how I felt about my wife, and that’s how I feel about these slightly broken in bibs. I have to say that bidding against so many other committed cyclists today brought out my competitive gotta-get-out-in-front spirit, the same spirit that makes me the right person to ride around in Rapha chamois hoping someone notices the logo.”    

Seventeen short years later, Habitat for Humanity home nears completion Nov28

Seventeen short years later, Habitat for Humanity home nears completion

Just seventeen years after breaking ground in the Holiday neighborhood, Habitat for Humanity has nearly completed the home they set out to build in 1997 for the Cory family.  ”We are thrilled to be putting a nearly final coat of hunter green paint on this close-to-finished home today,” said Habitat representative Judy Mallory in a statement Friday. “We spared nothing to make this house a home.  Design features include wall-to-wall white carpeting,  oak cabinetry and a whirlpool tub shaped like a dolphin.” She added that the Corys, who have since retired and moved to Scottsdale, would probably have loved the home.

After careful deliberation, freshman decides on Hendrix and Animal House posters for dorm Nov28

After careful deliberation, freshman decides on Hendrix and Animal House posters for dorm

After several trips to Urban Outfitters’ basement level, Ben Lamin decided Thursday that his side of the dorm will feature a semi-nude Jimi Hendrix poster and the  Animal House poster where “some famous actor” is wearing a College sweatshirt. The choices are “totally old school,” while at the same time conveying how much Lamin likes to party, at least theoretically.

Cleanse kicks in before local diner has chance to excuse self from table

 Things were going well for local diner Paul Martin as he started his dinner off with an arugula-spinach-kale-ginger smoothie.  ”Once I managed to stomach the smoothie, I felt great,” said Martin. “Better than great, actually. I felt like I had started glowing.” But unfortunately the evening didn’t end at his raw cucumber beet soup or cashew-cheese & quinoa-noodle macaroni. “One second I was at one with the universe, and the next minute I cleansed all over my chair,” said Martin. “I thought the feeling in my stomach was just my chi buzzing but it turns out I misread that one pretty bad.”

Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”