United passenger Travis Wolf stepped off the plan exhausted Thursday afternoon after watching five kitchen remodels  between New Jersey and Denver. “I wasn’t going to fall into the DYI trap again, but the guy in 7F was watching, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the cabinet sanding. I started out with ‘Kitchen Nightmares’ but that got a little intense so I switched over to ‘Kitchen Renovations,’ and then caught the tail end of ‘I hate my kitchen.’ I’m walking away with a sense of accomplishment but also feel pretty moved and proud to know that I’m giving back. First these people hated their kitchens and now they love them.”      

Boy Scouts of America, once vehemently opposed to rubbing shoulders with openly gay men and boys, are now reconsidering their longtime ban on gays. The move is seen as very positive for all three gay men who would ever consider joining an organization that required them to spend an entire weekend wandering around lost in the woods  in a short sleeved brown polyester shirt and blue bolo tie.   

What Oprah and Lance Armstrong both thought was going to be just another ordinary trip to the apothecary waiting room turned into much more on Thursday morning. “There I was, sipping my water  out of a bendy straw and minding my own business, when in walks Oprah,”  said Armstrong in a series of tweets  on Friday. “It was a hard conversation for me to have, and an even harder conversation for my publicist to watch, but it was time for me to have a long hard look at that guy who did some pretty terrible things a long time ago when everyone else was doing them too. And for that, he’s sorry.”

“I really think this is what Jesus would have wanted,” said one of the Mountain Pine Beetles spending this Christmas in the Nolans’ living room. “Yes, it’s warm. Yes, there is egg nog and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the popcorn on my tree. But what’s really important is that the family is together. There is something about the smell of mulled wine and sugar cookies  and wood paneling on the walls that makes me think I could stay here forever.”

“Our goal was to bring a level of femininity back to the pantsuit,” explained Talbots CEO Joe Grishelms in a quarterly earnings call Monday. “The crotchless houndstooth pant was introduced for the working woman who felt traditional pants were too boring, too masculine and too warm. As it turns out, the marketplace is  not ready for this look yet.”

Flannel is making a serious comeback this season, whetting the nation’s  insatiable appetite for Eddie Bauer gift cards.  ”I can’t wait to start wearing flannel shirts again,” said Mark Kinner. “There’s  something about dressing up like an underfed lumberjack that brings me straight back to  high school. Which reminds me, does anyone know where I might be able to find a copy of that Aerosmith video with Alicia Silverstone?”