In hopes of buying new home in Boulder, family reconsiders sale of youngest child Apr27

In hopes of buying new home in Boulder, family reconsiders sale of youngest child

“It’s a real fixer-upper,” warned Skip Fulmer before showing his family the Martin Acres home he’d just put an offer on.  “But once we include Harriet in the all-cash, 20% over-asking price offer, I think we can probably make two bedrooms work.” Fulmer added that he wouldn’t ordinarily give away a child, but Google is going to be coming to Boulder.

In classic bath salt mix up, Reiki infused bath salt turns out to be infused with Serenity, not Love

Veroniqua Lapis poured a half cup of Reiki infused bath salts in her hot bath Saturday night, only to realize too late that the jar labeled “Love” was actually “Serenity.”  “It was pretty clear, pretty fast,” said Lapis, who was really looking forward to those bath salts.  “I do try to live in the present and take things in stride, but I wish companies would be more conscientious about quality control.” She continued, “this was a huge disappointment for me– especially coming  practically on the heels of the chipotle Norovirus catastrophe.”

Barista wastes another shift waiting for someone to ask his opinions on David Foster Wallace

I’ve been working here at the The Coffee Shoppe for almost seven months, and I think I’ve made it pretty nonverbally clear that I’m not here because I have some perverse fascination with coffee beans or because I enjoy making meaningless chit chat with your average customer, or God forbid, the horse’s ass who comes in here for a decaf sugar free vanilla latte. And I’m not just another BILF,” said a frustrated Senior Barista Lawrence Arthur Wright-Steiner on Tuesday morning. “Anyone with a keen and observant eye who also takes the time to listen to the records I’ve selected could probably guess that I’m a double English Philosophy major. I’ve also left several hints, such as not using the cash register to make change, that would suggest I’m pretty good at math.  I wear an apron with leather straps for chrissakes.  I’ve got a man bun. Frankly, I don’t know what else I can do to get someone to ask me my opinion on David Foster Wallace. Yeah, I know.  The answer to that is your prototypical non-directly-observable-entity.”

Crispin Porter designer leaves office, fails to see shadow, returns to cubicle for another six weeks

When Guy Rogers unclasped his ankle bracelet to leave the Gunbarrel headquarters of Crispin Porter + Bogusky  Friday, he was half hoping to see his shadow, half hoping not to.  “I guess I have mixed feelings on leaving the office,” said Rogers, who hasn’t brushed his teeth since Monday. “I think we all remember that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Brooks gets paroled,” he explained.  “From my point of view, it won’t be long until I’m promoted to working on the mock-campaign for Fruit of the Loom where guys are wearing saran wrap underwear over their underwear.  Plus, I’m at extremely low risk of melanoma.”.

Snoop Dogg to appear in BK hot dog training video, answering age old question about what happens to former rappers who don’t get shot to death

Burger King is introducing hot dogs and chili dogs in 7000 stores next month. But first, the chain will train employees on the complexities of hot dog cooking, which are rumored to include taking the frozen meat out of a plastic bag and putting it on the grill next to the hamburgers, and then putting the rubbery meat onto a bun and handing it to a hooker at 3am.  The instructional  video will feature the star of such films as Doggumentary and Doggystyle rapping about warming up meat in the back of a fast food kitchen, finally answering the age old question of what happens to former rap stars who don’t get shot..

Number of women assaulted by Bill Cosby now officially outnumbers the total number of women who have ever watched The History Channel’s Civil Wa...

On Wednesday, Bill Cosby was charged with aggravated indecent assault for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Costand in 2004, bringing the total number of women who have come forward to accuse the comedian of assault over several decades to 55.  To the History Channel, this number is significant because it represents the total number of women who have ever tuned into the channel’s Civil War Journal. Controversially, the 55 figure includes one woman, Ethel Werner, who was recovering from pneumonia in the hospital and was simply too weak to reach the remote control..