Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Mortified Burning Man reveler can’t believe he left unicorn costume back in Boulder

Suddenly self-conscious in gold  lamé boxer briefs and suspenders, Burning Man reveler Mark Sanders found himself wishing he’d remembered the unicorn outfit back in his south Boulder bedroom.  “I feel like an idiot right now,” said Sanders. ” I can see the pubic hair from my testicles poking out of these  shorts. I wish someone would have said something before we left the Winnebago.  I could have at least changed into my cow-print unitard.”

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges Sep03

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges

“I’m fairly hungry and anxious about diseases like Malaria and Trypanosomiasis,” said eight-year old Abimbola Aziz Yfusu from a mat on the floor of her mud hut on Sunday.  ”But who doesn’t love shoes?  I’m just hoping for two things other than not getting Ebola. First, Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform Wedges. And second, that the wedges smell better than Tom’s classic canvas slip ons.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Caribbean Princess adds new feature to popular on-deck zipline

After an outbreak of the Norovirus last week that sickened all 189 passengers on board the Caribbean Princess, parent company Royal Caribbean has decided to make some changes to the cruise ship’s activities. “If something like this happens again, we want to be prepared,” said RC Ambassador Bob London. “The zipline commode is just one way we think we can make guests more comfortable. The other is a late night couples event we’re going to call ‘Salsa Dancing in Diapers.’”

After weekend bender, stoner losers return to work designing nation’s spacecraft

The final barrier to a hedonistic society fell this weekend as Boulderites saw marijuana for the first time. Stoner losers Aaron Pollack and Luke Adams spent most of Sunday destroying American ideals and traditional values as they smoked a joint and watched Big Lebowski. “I feel like I could sit here all afternoon and relax,” said Adams, shifting some of the pillows around and taking a drink of tea. Fortunately, the lazy good-for-nothing stoners returned to work Monday designing spacecraft and conducting atmospheric research.