“I must have gotten caught up in the glamour of North Korea,” Rodman told reporters Sunday. “I don’t know what else to say. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“I can’t get enough of this Himalayan Sea Salt” Jeremy Depew muttered ecstatically as he sprinkled the pink salt onto his  olive tapenade Thursday night. “It reminds me of the sound of rain on slate.” Depew thought for a minute. ” I like the Sicilian salt too, but you know what? It doesn’t go with Malbecs. That’s the problem with Sicilian salt.  There must be something about the way the waves lap gently against the Himalayan mountain that creates this…je ne sais quoi.”

“I’d started noticing that from about 8pm to 6am, it was like the whole world was shrouded in total darkness,” said local banker Scott Derger as he pedaled on his trainer. “I found myself sleeping for five or six hours every night, probably just out of fatigue and boredom.” “I honestly didn’t know what to do with those dark hours aside from pedal on my trainer; lift weights; run on the treadmill; use my juicer and make protein shakes. Thankfully, I discovered competitive sleeping, which allows me to be a hyper-competitive douchebag even while I’m sleeping. Rock on.”    

“I’ve been trying to get a seat at the Community Table for about six months now,” said local software programmer Ryan Lutz. “I  bought one of these $12 beers that comes in a wine glass, a hipster scarf & specs, and you’re still telling me this seat is “saved” for your buddies.” What does it take to be accepted into the “Cougar Den”?  All I really wanted to do was sit down next to a nice, divorced cougar that is looking for some young arm candy.  I thought I was bringing my “A” game but then I realized all the other men at the table had silver hair and lots of money.  How can I compete with that?  As a result the Kitchen is taking reservations based on ages & income to insure a diverse crowd. (Kramerica)

In a move that left onlookers shocked, a bitter “Choose Love” sticker took out her frustration on a very neighborly “Free Tibet” sticker, explaining that the only thing  choosing love was getting her were highly questionable threesomes and the occasional rash.

“This measurement is generally considered the best indicator of an elite athlete’s cardiovascular fitness and aerobic endurance,” explained local Product Manager and amateur triathlete Troy Stevens as he humped a hot blonde last Friday night. “Theoretically, the more oxygen I can use during high level exercise, the more Adenosine Triphosphate I can produce,” he told her in a muffled voice. “That’s probably why you’re feeling so good right now. If you want, in 45 seconds I can flip you over and test my lactate threshold.”