Putin’s approval rating hits all time high of 120%

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings soared to an all-time high of 120% this week, a standing ovation for a man who’s helped send eastern Europe into crisis, who aided in shooting down a passenger jet and who is about to invade the democratic country of Ukraine.  ”I was a little shocked myself when I saw the survey responses start to trickle in” said the 14 year President. “I was hoping to see them somewhere in the ballpark of 130 or 140%. Oh well, I guess there’s always next year, or the year after, or the year after that.”

Hector, the Sea Otter on Frontier plane tail, going around telling everyone that Harriet the Fox is a slut

“You didn’t hear it from me, but Harriet the Fox is a total slutbag,” Hector the Sea Otter has been going around telling ground crew following a bitter split. “Take off those headphones for a second and listen to what I’m saying. I’m only telling you this because you look like a nice person and because I like Harriet and don’t want to see her get hurt. Harriet is a whore and a tramp. You get the picture. A strumpet.”

Working hard and playing even harder never gets boring to talk about

“I would describe myself as the kind of guy who likes to work hard and play even harder,” said BldrOutDoorGuy4u over a white wine spritzer and cheese-free flatbread on a date at Laudisio on Friday. “And what I mean by that is that my philosophy on life is that you have to work hard to play hard and play hard to work hard. You know what I mean? Have you seen my calves?”

To win back American public, NSA sends e-card to all of your contacts

The National Security Agency was revealed last week to have  obtained access to the central servers of major U.S. Internet companies as part of a secret program involving the monitoring of emails, file transfers, photos, videos, chats, and even live surveillance of search terms.  Many Americans were upset to learn that the government has been watching every word and keystroke of its citizens. The NSA, in an effort to bolster its image, has finally settled on the perfect way to say “I’m sorry.”

Man prefers Gourmet Himalayan Sea Salt to maps, reason

“I can’t get enough of this Himalayan Sea Salt” Jeremy Depew muttered ecstatically as he sprinkled the pink salt onto his  olive tapenade Thursday night. “It reminds me of the sound of rain on slate.” Depew thought for a minute. ” I like the Sicilian salt too, but you know what? It doesn’t go with Malbecs. That’s the problem with Sicilian salt.  There must be something about the way the waves lap gently against the Himalayan mountain that creates this…je ne sais quoi.”

Competitive Sleeping: Boulder’s answer to Pesky Spells of Darkness

“I’d started noticing that from about 8pm to 6am, it was like the whole world was shrouded in total darkness,” said local banker Scott Derger as he pedaled on his trainer. “I found myself sleeping for five or six hours every night, probably just out of fatigue and boredom.” “I honestly didn’t know what to do with those dark hours aside from pedal on my trainer; lift weights; run on the treadmill; use my juicer and make protein shakes. Thankfully, I discovered competitive sleeping, which allows me to be a hyper-competitive douchebag even while I’m sleeping. Rock on.”