Pasta Jays preps garlic bread topping in advance of CU move-in weekend

“It’s a big weekend for Pasta Jays,” said head chef Mark Martinez Thursday, as he stirred a 37 gallon vat of garlic bread topping.  “You wouldn’t guess it, but move-in weekend is number actually my #2 garlic bread weekend. The Nebraska game weekend is easily number one. I keep thinking we’re going to slow down, but I think it’s impossible to come to the middle of Colorado  without thinking “authentic Italian food.”  I don’t mean to complain. I’m guessing Lachlan is dealing with his own steaming vat of garlic bread topping right now, which is somewhat comforting.”

Coffee shop installs bag dispenser for your new App idea

Last week, several Boulder baristas and baristos took it upon themselves to do something about a situation that was becoming intolerable. “We had to trade 13 scones for this dispenser, but we wanted one that wasn’t going to break or run out of bags,” said barista Teri Pater.  “You’d be surprised at how many people come in here with an app idea they want to throw around, and then  they might have 2 or 3 more app ideas once they finish their double Americano.  We just figured, someone has to do something with the app ideas, and it’s not going to be them.  Here’s our suggestion: take a free bag.”

Food company breaks snack-food ground with product they are calling “granola”

“What sold us on this concept was the idea of mixing oats and nuts together,” said a spokesman form Upton-Tebo Investors (UTI) Friday. “Once these guys suggested it, we were like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense.’ We like to think of this product as blurring the boundary between breakfast category and snack category. You can eat it with your hands in the afternoon, but you can also eat it with a spoon in the morning. Did you get that? Spoon or hands. Hands or spoon.”

Cleanse kicks in before local diner has chance to excuse self from table

 Things were going well for local diner Paul Martin as he started his dinner off with an arugula-spinach-kale-ginger smoothie.  “Once I managed to stomach the smoothie, I felt great,” said Martin. “Better than great, actually. I felt like I had started glowing.” But unfortunately the evening didn’t end at his raw cucumber beet soup or cashew-cheese & quinoa-noodle macaroni. “One second I was at one with the universe, and the next minute I cleansed all over my chair,” said Martin. “I thought the feeling in my stomach was just my chi buzzing but it turns out I misread that one pretty bad.”

Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”