Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Martin Acres 3-year-olds start bridge club

Eleanor, Sadie, Evelyn, Vera, Ava and Belle met for their first bridge club Monday night.  “It’s high time,” commented Belle, who had spilled a lot of marshmallow jello casserole down her shirt. “I just hope those bitches Vivian, Alice, Elsie, Pearl, Greta,  and Penelope don’t show up.” “Agreed,” said Vera. “Let’s keep the gals from knitting club out of this. This way, we can start at 4PM, have dinner, and be in bed by 7.”

Lazy chimpanzee sits around eating carbs all day

“It’s not that I don’t care about my fitness,” said the closest human ancestor on Friday. “I want to look good and feel good. I read that I’m genetically engineered to eat a hunter gatherer diet, rich in meats, and low on fruit. And here I am sitting around getting 50% of my calories from figs and bananas. I feel like a piece of crap.  Starting tomorrow, it’s chicken eggs, grass fed beef and chocolate pudding made out of avocados.”

Food desert between Sunflower Market, Whole Foods and Vitamin Cottage to be eradicated

Bouler shoppers are getting their canvas bags ready for the opening of the 14,000 foot grocery store, set to open in early 2014. Access to fruits and vegetables will be an especially welcome change for shoppers who live between 28th and 29th streets, north of Canyon and south of Mapleton, but who don’t want to cross Pearl to go to Vitamin Cottage or Whole Foods and who also don’t care for Target’s grocery store or want to go three blocks west to Sunflower. “I don’t know if any of us even realized how much we needed a national upscale discount grocery chain,” said resident Josie Roberts. “But now that it’s almost here, I can’t imagine what we did before.”

Despite living simply, Boulderite finds ways to enjoy small pleasures

Local minimalist Rod Nathan is living simply, so that others may simply live. “It’s a motto I live by,” said Nathan. “That’s why today, when I was getting my double 12 oz shot soy latte to go, I thought, to hell with three stirring straws. I’ll be fine with two.”