“I felt sorry for him because he didn’t seem to speak any English,” said Hanna Lerner, who’d originally flagged down a man she thought was her waiter. “So I just let him go on and on about the wine list. He was getting so excited and I kept nodding so that I he would know he’s welcome in this country,”  she said. “The next thing I knew, I’d bought a $140 bottle of wine. Really, all I wanted was a  knife for my goddamn pizza.”

“I’ve only had fermented poached elk once,” said Bourdain as he arrived in Boulder. “The brains were served over a bed of mashed dog testicles. It was the best thing I’ve had since I ate rat tail stew in the Caribbean. I couldn’t be happier to be here.”

Andrew Spiegler celebrated his journey into manhood last Saturday with a long anticipated trip to the cocktail table set up in the  Herbert Hoover Ballroom. “I know this event is bigger than just me,” said the 12 year old. “I am just a small part of a very long and large tradition that started with my forefathers: Moses, Aaron, Jacob and Isaac. This strawberry daquari is really just as much for them as much as it is for me.”  

“I really think this is what Jesus would have wanted,” said one of the Mountain Pine Beetles spending this Christmas in the Nolans’ living room. “Yes, it’s warm. Yes, there is egg nog and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the popcorn on my tree. But what’s really important is that the family is together. There is something about the smell of mulled wine and sugar cookies  and wood paneling on the walls that makes me think I could stay here forever.”

“I can’t get enough of this Himalayan Sea Salt” Jeremy Depew muttered ecstatically as he sprinkled the pink salt onto his  olive tapenade Thursday night. “It reminds me of the sound of rain on slate.” Depew thought for a minute. ” I like the Sicilian salt too, but you know what? It doesn’t go with Malbecs. That’s the problem with Sicilian salt.  There must be something about the way the waves lap gently against the Himalayan mountain that creates this…je ne sais quoi.”

“Wreaths , red bows, and these 14 Christmas trees we’ve potted on the curb are just our way of saying ‘Happy Chanukah!’”manager Tina Mossman explained Thursday. “Come in and try our Chanukah sugar cookies, egg nog and fruit cake. I guarantee you won’t regret it. You know what else is fun? Lighting the menorah inside the full size gingerbread house we’ve constructed from tiny  gingerbread crucifixes.”