Waylon also “not crazy” about bathroom tile selection at Ozo

“I have a fair amount of concerns about the changes new Trident owners might make to a coffee shop which I have come to consider my own,” Trident patron Waylon Stewart disclosed to the Daily Camera Monday – raising eyebrows about what he might be talking about and why anyone should care. But Stewart had more to say in a press release Tuesday in which he gently suggested that while neighboring Ozo was a step up from Bart’s Record Shop, and had the best customer service in town, he wasn’t crazy about the tile color in the men’s room. “I know it’s supposed to be eggshell white,” he wrote, “but it comes off as more of a vanilla. I don’t think anyone wants to see these kinds of well-intended mistakes continue happening to a town we all care deeply about, though clearly, no one more than I.”

Boxcar named best place for someone else to buy you cup of coffee

In a town known for competitive coffee brewing, Boxcar has earned its place as the best place for someone else to buy you a cup of coffee. “This wasn’t an easy decision for me,” said taster Fiona Beecher, 30, who conveniently forgot her wallet at several coffee shops before eventually deciding on Boxcar.  “If I’m meeting someone who seems like they have a fairly blue collar job, I’ll forget my wallet at Ozo, but if it’s one of those days where I need a cappuccino, a couple of doughnuts, a croissant, one of those homemade powerbars and a bag of coffee beans for my house — it’s Boxcar, hands down, every time.”

Barista wastes another shift waiting for someone to ask his opinions on David Foster Wallace

I’ve been working here at the The Coffee Shoppe for almost seven months, and I think I’ve made it pretty nonverbally clear that I’m not here because I have some perverse fascination with coffee beans or because I enjoy making meaningless chit chat with your average customer, or God forbid, the horse’s ass who comes in here for a decaf sugar free vanilla latte. And I’m not just another BILF,” said a frustrated Senior Barista Lawrence Arthur Wright-Steiner on Tuesday morning. “Anyone with a keen and observant eye who also takes the time to listen to the records I’ve selected could probably guess that I’m a double English Philosophy major. I’ve also left several hints, such as not using the cash register to make change, that would suggest I’m pretty good at math.  I wear an apron with leather straps for chrissakes.  I’ve got a man bun. Frankly, I don’t know what else I can do to get someone to ask me my opinion on David Foster Wallace. Yeah, I know.  The answer to that is your prototypical non-directly-observable-entity.”

Snoop Dogg to appear in BK hot dog training video, answering age old question about what happens to former rappers who don’t get shot to death

Burger King is introducing hot dogs and chili dogs in 7000 stores next month. But first, the chain will train employees on the complexities of hot dog cooking, which are rumored to include taking the frozen meat out of a plastic bag and putting it on the grill next to the hamburgers, and then putting the rubbery meat onto a bun and handing it to a hooker at 3am.  The instructional  video will feature the star of such films as Doggumentary and Doggystyle rapping about warming up meat in the back of a fast food kitchen, finally answering the age old question of what happens to former rap stars who don’t get shot.

Specialty cheese shop runs out of chocolate with the fancy paper

A local cheese and specialty foods shop temporarily ran out of fancy chocolate Friday. “First of all, the shop played ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas‘  twelve times over a four hour period, so I was already on the edge of driving a sharp object through my eye,” said Harry the paper mache pig from his hospital room. “Then, they ran out of the really good chocolate, the bars wrapped in matte paper with classy geometric prints – almost like wallpaper or Ralph Lauren pyjamas – very Brooklyn, with a hint of sailing.   It’s one of my favorites and it pairs perfectly with our Portobello Mushroom Soup with Goat Cheese Croutons. I know you’re looking at me like hanging myself was an overreaction, but it’s not like they ran out of Chocolove.”

Starbucks attempts to repair tarnished image with new Christmas frappuccino straw

After its brutal 2015  attack on Christmas, Starbucks Coffee announced Thursday that it would be unveiling a new Christmas  Frappuccino straw.”I feel really bad about the decision this company made to omit the words ‘Merry Christmas’ from our red and green holiday cup,” said Regional Manager Dorothy McConnelly. “Truth is, I didn’t even know Christian ultra-conservatives were getting their coffee at Starbucks. I guess I thought  thought fair trade coffee would scare them off. Anyway, hopefully this straw will make up for any hurt feelings.”