Starbucks attempts to repair tarnished image with new Christmas frappuccino straw

After its brutal 2015  attack on Christmas, Starbucks Coffee announced Thursday that it would be unveiling a new Christmas  Frappuccino straw.”I feel really bad about the decision this company made to omit the words ‘Merry Christmas’ from our red and green holiday cup,” said Regional Manager Dorothy McConnelly. “Truth is, I didn’t even know Christian ultra-conservatives were getting their coffee at Starbucks. I guess I thought  thought fair trade coffee would scare them off. Anyway, hopefully this straw will make up for any hurt feelings.”

Longmont hits puberty

In a sign that Longmont has, at long last, reached puberty, the town is getting its first Whole Foods. “It’s an exciting time for all of us,” said a visibly moved Boulder woman who’s estranged niece has been living in Longmont. “If one of the signs of being an adult is eating cheese that hasn’t been dyed orange, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped, then I think think it’s safe to say that Longmont’s testicles just dropped.” Longmont residents are excited as well.  In a telegraph message that went out on Friday, city officials announced: “It’s time to shake off the nickname ‘Longtucky’ with a kohlrabi party, whatever that is.” And whatever it is, partygoers will surely find out how it tastes cooked into a casserole with cream of mushroom soup and  french onion soup packets. ”  (MH)

Pasta Jays preps garlic bread topping in advance of CU move-in weekend

“It’s a big weekend for Pasta Jays,” said head chef Mark Martinez Thursday, as he stirred a 37 gallon vat of garlic bread topping.  “You wouldn’t guess it, but move-in weekend is number actually my #2 garlic bread weekend. The Nebraska game weekend is easily number one. I keep thinking we’re going to slow down, but I think it’s impossible to come to the middle of Colorado  without thinking “authentic Italian food.”  I don’t mean to complain. I’m guessing Lachlan is dealing with his own steaming vat of garlic bread topping right now, which is somewhat comforting.”

Coffee shop installs bag dispenser for your new App idea

Last week, several Boulder baristas and baristos took it upon themselves to do something about a situation that was becoming intolerable. “We had to trade 13 scones for this dispenser, but we wanted one that wasn’t going to break or run out of bags,” said barista Teri Pater.  “You’d be surprised at how many people come in here with an app idea they want to throw around, and then  they might have 2 or 3 more app ideas once they finish their double Americano.  We just figured, someone has to do something with the app ideas, and it’s not going to be them.  Here’s our suggestion: take a free bag.”

Food company breaks snack-food ground with product they are calling “granola”

“What sold us on this concept was the idea of mixing oats and nuts together,” said a spokesman form Upton-Tebo Investors (UTI) Friday. “Once these guys suggested it, we were like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense.’ We like to think of this product as blurring the boundary between breakfast category and snack category. You can eat it with your hands in the afternoon, but you can also eat it with a spoon in the morning. Did you get that? Spoon or hands. Hands or spoon.”

Cleanse kicks in before local diner has chance to excuse self from table

 Things were going well for local diner Paul Martin as he started his dinner off with an arugula-spinach-kale-ginger smoothie.  “Once I managed to stomach the smoothie, I felt great,” said Martin. “Better than great, actually. I felt like I had started glowing.” But unfortunately the evening didn’t end at his raw cucumber beet soup or cashew-cheese & quinoa-noodle macaroni. “One second I was at one with the universe, and the next minute I cleansed all over my chair,” said Martin. “I thought the feeling in my stomach was just my chi buzzing but it turns out I misread that one pretty bad.”