Food company breaks snack-food ground with product they are calling “granola”

“What sold us on this concept was the idea of mixing oats and nuts together,” said a spokesman form Upton-Tebo Investors (UTI) Friday. “Once these guys suggested it, we were like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense.’ We like to think of this product as blurring the boundary between breakfast category and snack category. You can eat it with your hands in the afternoon, but you can also eat it with a spoon in the morning. Did you get that? Spoon or hands. Hands or spoon.”

Cleanse kicks in before local diner has chance to excuse self from table

 Things were going well for local diner Paul Martin as he started his dinner off with an arugula-spinach-kale-ginger smoothie.  ”Once I managed to stomach the smoothie, I felt great,” said Martin. “Better than great, actually. I felt like I had started glowing.” But unfortunately the evening didn’t end at his raw cucumber beet soup or cashew-cheese & quinoa-noodle macaroni. “One second I was at one with the universe, and the next minute I cleansed all over my chair,” said Martin. “I thought the feeling in my stomach was just my chi buzzing but it turns out I misread that one pretty bad.”

Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Martin Acres 3-year-olds start bridge club

Eleanor, Sadie, Evelyn, Vera, Ava and Belle met for their first bridge club Monday night.  “It’s high time,” commented Belle, who had spilled a lot of marshmallow jello casserole down her shirt. “I just hope those bitches Vivian, Alice, Elsie, Pearl, Greta,  and Penelope don’t show up.” “Agreed,” said Vera. “Let’s keep the gals from knitting club out of this. This way, we can start at 4PM, have dinner, and be in bed by 7.”

Lazy chimpanzee sits around eating carbs all day

“It’s not that I don’t care about my fitness,” said the closest human ancestor on Friday. “I want to look good and feel good. I read that I’m genetically engineered to eat a hunter gatherer diet, rich in meats, and low on fruit. And here I am sitting around getting 50% of my calories from figs and bananas. I feel like a piece of crap.  Starting tomorrow, it’s chicken eggs, grass fed beef and chocolate pudding made out of avocados.”