Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Caribbean Princess adds new feature to popular on-deck zipline

After an outbreak of the Norovirus last week that sickened all 189 passengers on board the Caribbean Princess, parent company Royal Caribbean has decided to make some changes to the cruise ship’s activities. “If something like this happens again, we want to be prepared,” said RC Ambassador Bob London. “The zipline commode is just one way we think we can make guests more comfortable. The other is a late night couples event we’re going to call ‘Salsa Dancing in Diapers.’”

Oxygen bar gift card perfect gift for man who really, really likes oxygen

For last minute Christmas shoppers looking for the perfect gift to get the man who has everything, local 02 enthusiast Brian Nileman recommends a gift card to an oxygen bar. “If there is one gift no man can get enough of, it’s oxygen,” said Nileman. “Now what other gift can you say that about?”

Jesus secretly hoping for LuLu Lemon yoga pants on birthday

“Two-thousand thirteen is a big one, which is why I’m hoping someone will think to pick up a pair of LuLu Lemon Kung Fu Pants (33×32, stone),” said Jesus, who admitted the pants were extremely overpriced, but adorable. “The mind body connection that comes from yoga is so much more than just stretching,” said the son of God Tuesday. “But stretching is a big part of yoga, and my robe keeps flopping up during headstand and exposing my junk.”

Lazy chimpanzee sits around eating carbs all day

“It’s not that I don’t care about my fitness,” said the closest human ancestor on Friday. “I want to look good and feel good. I read that I’m genetically engineered to eat a hunter gatherer diet, rich in meats, and low on fruit. And here I am sitting around getting 50% of my calories from figs and bananas. I feel like a piece of crap.  Starting tomorrow, it’s chicken eggs, grass fed beef and chocolate pudding made out of avocados.”

Food desert between Sunflower Market, Whole Foods and Vitamin Cottage to be eradicated

Bouler shoppers are getting their canvas bags ready for the opening of the 14,000 foot grocery store, set to open in early 2014. Access to fruits and vegetables will be an especially welcome change for shoppers who live between 28th and 29th streets, north of Canyon and south of Mapleton, but who don’t want to cross Pearl to go to Vitamin Cottage or Whole Foods and who also don’t care for Target’s grocery store or want to go three blocks west to Sunflower. “I don’t know if any of us even realized how much we needed a national upscale discount grocery chain,” said resident Josie Roberts. “But now that it’s almost here, I can’t imagine what we did before.”