Awaiting grand jury decision, Michael Brown finally lights up one of those cigars

“In hindsight, this is a good example of the unintended consequences that can come from a nicotine habit,” said the late Michael Brown Sunday. Puffing on a cigar he stole from a convenience store as he watched  protesters in St. Louis and Fergusen, even Brown could appreciate the irony of protesters demanding a guilty verdict in a closed trial as punishment for a biased justice system.

Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

As Ebola patient transported to US, nation silently worries that maybe no one else saw Contagion

As Nancy Writebol was transferred from Liberia to Emory University in Atlanta for Ebola treatment, some Americans were relieved that Writebol would get the best medical care her country could offer. Others couldn’t help wondering if they were the only ones who saw Contagion. “If you saw Contagion, you know a virus like Ebola can spread pretty quickly, particularly if you don’t have someone like Matt Damon trying to find out who Gwyneth Paltrow was having an affair with,” said one local Ebola expert. “I guess that means we need to find out who all Writebol was sleeping with.”

Nibbles wants to know where Bunga Bunga party will be

When Vicenzo “Nibbles” Nibali crossed the finish line of the Tour earlier today, he became the first Italian to win a Tour de France in 16 years. The victory was shared by fans all over the world who were rooting for the Italian, at least one of which was a hamster with the same nickname.  ”I had to watch. I don’t care if I’m the only one who is,” wrote Nibbles Schmeckenhoffer on his Facebook page.  ”Anyway, now that Italy finally has something to celebrate, will someone please show me the Campari, fake volcanos and underage prostitutes, cause I’m  ready to party!”

Hobby Lobby cashier not crazy about switching to the rhythm method

Ethel Horner of Broomfield’s Hobby Lobby is concerned about a recent supreme court decision that could mean that Plan B will no longer by covered by her employer.  ”At $40 for every broken condom, you do the math,” said Horner. “It starts to add up pretty fast.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”