In classic bath salt mix up, Reiki infused bath salt turns out to be infused with Serenity, not Love

Veroniqua Lapis poured a half cup of Reiki infused bath salts in her hot bath Saturday night, only to realize too late that the jar labeled “Love” was actually “Serenity.”  “It was pretty clear, pretty fast,” said Lapis, who was really looking forward to those bath salts.  “I do try to live in the present and take things in stride, but I wish companies would be more conscientious about quality control.” She continued, “this was a huge disappointment for me– especially coming  practically on the heels of the chipotle Norovirus catastrophe.”

Scientists find that talking about workouts offsets any exercise-induced cognitive gains

British researchers in 2015 used a database of information about the health and habits of twins to show that muscle health was linked to cognitive abilities throughout life.  However, a disturbing side effect was that many of the gains were offset by the amount a person talked about his or her exercise regimen. “We found a troubling amount of empty brain space in people who were physically inactive, in people who talked about their workouts, and in the people who got stuck listening,” according to the study.  The alarming results of the cognitive losses – over a year – were roughly equivalent to watching an entire season of Keeping up with the Kardashians..

Longmont hits puberty

In a sign that Longmont has, at long last, reached puberty, the town is getting its first Whole Foods. “It’s an exciting time for all of us,” said a visibly moved Boulder woman who’s estranged niece has been living in Longmont. “If one of the signs of being an adult is eating cheese that hasn’t been dyed orange, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped, then I think think it’s safe to say that Longmont’s testicles just dropped.” Longmont residents are excited as well.  In a telegraph message that went out on Friday, city officials announced: “It’s time to shake off the nickname ‘Longtucky’ with a kohlrabi party, whatever that is.” And whatever it is, partygoers will surely find out how it tastes cooked into a casserole with cream of mushroom soup and  french onion soup packets. ”  (MH).

Nation growing weary of waiting for far North Broomfield to connect to Sheridan underpass

For hikers, bikers, and runners and commuters alike — the Broomfield Trail just became more connected. “Broomfield residents who are growing tired of getting in their cars every time they want to pay a visit to the Sheridan underpass just got an early Christmas present,” said Cindy Aries, Deputy director of Broomfield Open Space and Trails at a ribbon cutting ceremony held earlier today. “This isn’t just a victory for dogwalkers and rollerbladers. It’s a victory for all of us who are ready to take the car culture out of suburbia.  Now, for families who want to go to Costco but don’t want to pollute the environment, there’s a better, carbon neutral option. And that option is a bicycle with a huge, huge cart dragging behind it.”.

Fart is as excited as anyone about the end of yoga class

“I feel guilty saying this, but this yoga class had better end really fucking soon because I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” said a fart in Monday’s 6:00AM Vinyasa 2 class as it desperately  clutched the walls of Elaine  Rolling’s descending colon. “I don’t mean to diminish the importance of  yoga in my own spiritual and interpersonal growth, or my genuine affection for plow pose, but for the love of all things holy, please let me out of here.”.

ElliptiGO offers low impact alternative to dating members of opposite sex

Lou Flecker bought his first ElliptiGO several months ago, after a calf injury threatened to prevent him from training for the long distance runs he’s been doing for years. But even after the injury healed, Flecker was hooked. “It’s one of those new sports you hesitate to pick up because of the pricetag and also because you have to rent a spare garage to store the equipment,” said Flecker in an interview Friday.  “But, like running, it’s easy to get addicted. There are also lots of benefits you don’t have with other sports. For starters, how often can you bring your Men’s Health magazine with you on a run? Second, it’s easy on your joints. And last but not least, all you have to do is own the ElliptiGO and it’s about 1000% guaranteed that you never again have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.”.