In a sign that Longmont has, at long last, reached puberty, the town is getting its first Whole Foods. “It’s an exciting time for all of us,” said a visibly moved Boulder woman who’s estranged niece has been living in Longmont. “If one of the signs of being an adult is eating cheese that hasn’t been dyed orange, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped, then I think think it’s safe to say that Longmont’s testicles just dropped.” Longmont residents are excited as well. In a telegraph message that went out on Friday, city officials announced: “It’s time to shake off the nickname ‘Longtucky’ with a kohlrabi party, whatever that is.” And whatever it is, partygoers will surely find out how it tastes cooked into a casserole with cream of mushroom soup and french onion soup packets. ” (MH).