Nibbles wants to know where Bunga Bunga party will be

When Vicenzo “Nibbles” Nibali crossed the finish line of the Tour earlier today, he became the first Italian to win a Tour de France in 16 years. The victory was shared by fans all over the world who were rooting for the Italian, at least one of which was a hamster with the same nickname.  ”I had to watch. I don’t care if I’m the only one who is,” wrote Nibbles Schmeckenhoffer on his Facebook page.  ”Anyway, now that Italy finally has something to celebrate, will someone please show me the Campari, fake volcanos and underage prostitutes, cause I’m  ready to party!”

Hobby Lobby cashier not crazy about switching to the rhythm method

Ethel Horner of Broomfield’s Hobby Lobby is concerned about a recent supreme court decision that could mean that Plan B will no longer by covered by her employer.  ”At $40 for every broken condom, you do the math,” said Horner. “It starts to add up pretty fast.”

Zombie tired of being mistaken for Vegan

“Just because I shop at Vitamin Cottage doesn’t make me a Vegan,” said one local Zombie Friday. “I look this way because I’ve been dead for 500 years, not because I drink Kombucha. I just happen to like shopping at the V.C. because it’s less crowded than Whole Foods and they have many of the same produce options. The big drawback for me is no Indian food hot bar, no samosas. C’est la vie.”

Caribbean Princess adds new feature to popular on-deck zipline

After an outbreak of the Norovirus last week that sickened all 189 passengers on board the Caribbean Princess, parent company Royal Caribbean has decided to make some changes to the cruise ship’s activities. “If something like this happens again, we want to be prepared,” said RC Ambassador Bob London. “The zipline commode is just one way we think we can make guests more comfortable. The other is a late night couples event we’re going to call ‘Salsa Dancing in Diapers.’”

Oxygen bar gift card perfect gift for man who really, really likes oxygen

For last minute Christmas shoppers looking for the perfect gift to get the man who has everything, local 02 enthusiast Brian Nileman recommends a gift card to an oxygen bar. “If there is one gift no man can get enough of, it’s oxygen,” said Nileman. “Now what other gift can you say that about?”

Jesus secretly hoping for LuLu Lemon yoga pants on birthday

“Two-thousand thirteen is a big one, which is why I’m hoping someone will think to pick up a pair of LuLu Lemon Kung Fu Pants (33×32, stone),” said Jesus, who admitted the pants were extremely overpriced, but adorable. “The mind body connection that comes from yoga is so much more than just stretching,” said the son of God Tuesday. “But stretching is a big part of yoga, and my robe keeps flopping up during headstand and exposing my junk.”