Email goes unchecked for 57 straight seconds Dec02

Email goes unchecked for 57 straight seconds

“Sorry I’ve been so hard to get a hold of for the past 57 seconds,” wrote Sara Trebby in an email Friday. “ Sometimes I just let my inbox get away from me.”

Hector, the Sea Otter on Frontier plane tail, going around telling everyone that Harriet the Fox is a slut

“You didn’t hear it from me, but Harriet the Fox is a total slutbag,” Hector the Sea Otter has been going around telling ground crew following a bitter split. “Take off those headphones for a second and listen to what I’m saying. I’m only telling you this because you look like a nice person and because I like Harriet and don’t want to see her get hurt. Harriet is a whore and a tramp. You get the picture. A strumpet.”

Lazy chimpanzee sits around eating carbs all day

“It’s not that I don’t care about my fitness,” said the closest human ancestor on Friday. “I want to look good and feel good. I read that I’m genetically engineered to eat a hunter gatherer diet, rich in meats, and low on fruit. And here I am sitting around getting 50% of my calories from figs and bananas. I feel like a piece of crap.  Starting tomorrow, it’s chicken eggs, grass fed beef and chocolate pudding made out of avocados.”

Being mom most difficult job in the world, outside of training seals to watercolor Oct18

Being mom most difficult job in the world, outside of training seals to watercolor

“Being a mom is truly the hardest job I’ve ever loved,” said Candi Forrester. “The only thing that could possibly come close to being a mom would probably have to be teaching seals to paint with watercolors.”    

Hamster completely demoralized when forced to order size “medium” race jersey

“It looked awesome online, but when the small jersey came in the mail I was like, what the hell do you want me to do with this? Give it to my pet goldfish to swim around in? This jersey isn’t going to fit a full grown hamster,” said a visibly upset Nibbles on Tuesday. “I’m not tooting my own horn here, but I’ve always been small, if not downright petite.  I take spin classes, I take the stairs instead of the elevator, and I’ve been eating right for my blood type since 2007.”

Mommy blog wants just “5 minutes” to self

“These women demand constant attention,” complained one mommy blog on Thursday, “‘what should I keep in my stocked pool bag? Do I need to chill the sunscreen in the fridge? How many plastic bibs is enough? Should I buy the baby leggings with the antler prints or go with a safer Navajo print? I’m so busy I don’t have time to sleep or shower. What if my baby doesn’t like Navajo?’ I just need – like – 5 minutes to myself. These people are unrelenting. Sometimes I feel really isolated and alone, and then I remember that there are 3,900,000 other mommy blogs out there.”