BOULDER, Colo.—Several hundred people turned out for a vigil in Boulder for an elk killed by a police officer. Those honoring the dead elk on Sunday lit candles, sang and told stories.
Newborn seriously considering restraining order
“I just like to watch him when he sleeps and when he’s awake,” said new dad Roger as he kept vigil over his new son for the seventh straight day. “I admit I’m pretty tired, and it’s probably time for me to shower, or brush my teeth, but I like to watch little Milo’s every move. The only breaks I take are to piss, and I usually carry the video baby monitor around with me, just in case…you know, he moves his arm or something. “
Tori Spellings gives birth to another child, giving rest of nation pause about bringing human life into the world
“When the Denver Post broke the story Sunday that Tori Spellings had another child, my first thought was how happy I am that we haven’t abandoned the 90210 cast in their times of sadness or their times of joy,” said a weepy Jane Peterson. “Unfortunately, my second thought was, crap, where did I put those condoms?”
Black lab looks forward to “long hot shower” after swim in Boulder Reservoir
After spending most of Thursday swimming in Boulder’s water supply, Skipper was starting to wonder if he’d ever feel clean again. “There’s only so much licking you can do,” he explained. “I say this rarely, but sometimes you need soap and really, really hot water.”
Facebook brings much-needed awareness to babies, dogs, sunsets
“Before Facebook, I felt like no one cared that my 2 year-old was sound asleep in the back of the car and that Max, our Goldendoodle, was napping at the exact same time right next to her. It was so flippin’ cute. I can’t even tell you,” said new mom Heather Sinclair. “Here, I’ll just post a photo to my 459 Facebook friends. Just think, before social media, how many of these naps went completely unnoticed.”
Quinnipiac poll: 7 of 10 Women Have Masturbated to Jake Ryan
A recent survey found that 27 years after John Hughes’s epic teen romance “16 Candles” was released, seven of ten women are still masturbating to 17-year-old Jake Ryan on a regular basis. “All of this Jerry Sandusky brouhaha has made me more hesitant about fantasizing about a 17 year old boy in a locker room shower,” admitted 41 year old Social Studies teacher Melissa Baker. “But let’s face it, how many shower fantasies can you have with Jake Ryan where John Cusack accidentally walks in?”