Imagination of public caught by Crimean annexation Mar31

Imagination of public caught by Crimean annexation

As the nation sits captivated by the dramatic events unfolding in the Ukraine, all eyes are finally on Secretary of State John Kerry. “I bet trying to convince Putin to give the Crimean peninsula back is a welcome break from the middle east where he hasn’t been able to make any progress,” commented one observer. “This may finally be Kerry’s chance to shine.”

RTD: Next phase of 36 project to include attaching your genitals to live electrical wires

The U.S. 36 project is a CDOT-led effort that will bring 18 miles of Bus Rapid Transit service between Downtown Denver and Boulder. The FasTracks project has so far impressed thousands of drivers who initially thought they wanted a train, but have since been won over by the idea of a second bus lane that will be ready in 2036.  ”I can’t say I’ve enjoyed massive daytime delays and night time luge-track driving conditions while bright lights are shone directly into my eyes,” said commuter Mike Aguilar. “But I am trying to keep an open mind about the second phase of 36 construction, which, as I understand it, involves the attachment of live electric wires to my genitalia.”

Jamestown residents no longer have to wonder when unmarked black government helicopters will arrive

Black federal government controlled helicopters descended on Jamestown following massive flooding this September, evacuating residents from their homes. “It was a helluva relief for me and my neighbors to see those choppers coming down,” said longtime Jamestown resident Seamus Landon. “Now the only thing on my mind is where I’m going to live and who really killed Princess Diana.”

To win back American public, NSA sends e-card to all of your contacts

The National Security Agency was revealed last week to have  obtained access to the central servers of major U.S. Internet companies as part of a secret program involving the monitoring of emails, file transfers, photos, videos, chats, and even live surveillance of search terms.  Many Americans were upset to learn that the government has been watching every word and keystroke of its citizens. The NSA, in an effort to bolster its image, has finally settled on the perfect way to say “I’m sorry.”

Boulder City Council orders end to Israeli settlements Jun11

Boulder City Council orders end to Israeli settlements

“We’ve had enough of the Israeli occupation,” said council member Jane Good  Thursday. “This council believes that the Palestinians have a right to the land that was given to them right there in the Magna Carta.” Good also announced that later this summer, after the big 4th of July karyoke party, the council would address the plight of the Tamil Tigers.

Conscious Capitalism flying off shelf faster than carp meatballs on aisle 17

“I’m on my third copy,” said shopper Roger Pexton, grabbing another manifesto on the virtues of capitalism before hitting up the samosas at the Indian food bar. “I’m going to be honest. After 50 Shades of Gray, it’s my favorite book.”