In sharp protest of recent 9/11 bill, Saudi official threatens to give tablecloths back to Skippers restaurant Apr17

In sharp protest of recent 9/11 bill, Saudi official threatens to give tablecloths back to Skippers restaurant

The Saudi Arabian government has threatened to to return hundreds of billions of dollars’ worth of cheap picnic table style restaurant tablecloths should the U.S. Congress pass a bill that could hold the kingdom responsible for any role in the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks, the New York Times reported on Friday. “We had no role in the 9/11 attacks,” said a spokesman for the totalitarian regime Thursday. “I don’t know how else we can say we’re innocent, other than trying to bribe and threaten you if you try to investigate us,” he said.  “Also, we’re giving back these fucking tablecloths.”

Vitamin Cottage clears out on Super Tuesday Mar02

Vitamin Cottage clears out on Super Tuesday

Despite it being Kombucha night at Vitamin Cottage, Boulder’s residents made a strong showing at Tuesday’s Caucus. “This caucus was not just an opportunity to  exercise our liberty and celebrate the often confusing and archaic art of democracy, but it’s also nice to get out and meet other KUNC listeners,” said Stacy Sternbot of Shanahan Ridge, who was packed into a middle school auditorium with 400 other Bernie Sanders fans.  “It’s also a great opportunity to find out if Tom’s lemongrass deodorant really works.”    

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet” Jan01

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet”

Connie Jenkins, who has not seen a newspaper or turned on the TV news for at least six months, announced on Facebook Friday that 2016 is going to be the best year yet. “I just have that feeling that now that we have terrorism and climate change pretty much under control, everything from here on out is just coasting,” wrote Jenkins. “2016 is going to be the best one yet.”.

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there Oct24

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there

As news broke last week that there had been an election in Canada and that someone had won that election, North Americans took comfort that Canada was still up there.  “It’s not that I am deeply invested in the outcome of their elections,” said CU Assistant Professor Ben Lawrence.  “But it is nice to know that everything is running smoothly up there. My only suggestion would be that instead of taking up US newspaper space with meaningless details about their new Prime Minister blah blah blah, they could just do an annual email. You know, something like ‘still ok, all good, take it easy’ just to keep us up to date on Canadian affairs.”.

Nation growing weary of waiting for far North Broomfield to connect to Sheridan underpass

For hikers, bikers, and runners and commuters alike — the Broomfield Trail just became more connected. “Broomfield residents who are growing tired of getting in their cars every time they want to pay a visit to the Sheridan underpass just got an early Christmas present,” said Cindy Aries, Deputy director of Broomfield Open Space and Trails at a ribbon cutting ceremony held earlier today. “This isn’t just a victory for dogwalkers and rollerbladers. It’s a victory for all of us who are ready to take the car culture out of suburbia.  Now, for families who want to go to Costco but don’t want to pollute the environment, there’s a better, carbon neutral option. And that option is a bicycle with a huge, huge cart dragging behind it.”.

ISIS women’s clothing line to rethink new line of teen wedding dresses Sep21

ISIS women’s clothing line to rethink new line of teen wedding dresses

ISIS outdoor women’s gear may not be launching its much awaited line of teen and pre-teen wedding dresses after all.  “It’s just a little unclear whether the timing is right for this particular line right now,” said spokesperson Janet Eckles. “We like the cuts, we love the color concepts, but based on initial feedback, we worry that this might turn out to be the most controversial launch since we tried to do paisley ski parkas.”.