Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq Aug28

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq

BAGHDAD — Sunni militants consolidated and extended their control over northern Iraq on Wednesday, seizing Tikrit, the hometown of Saddam Hussein, threatening the strategic oil refining town of Baiji and pushing south toward Baghdad, their ultimate target, Iraqi sources said. “Basically, this entire situation has gone to complete shit and we have no idea what to do next,” said one high ranking US official.  ”So we’re playing our last card.” Williams, who is suffering from a knee injury, will stay until Tuesday to pick up where the US military, CIA and State Department and Peshmerga left off.

Putin’s approval rating hits all time high of 120%

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings soared to an all-time high of 120% this week, a standing ovation for a man who’s helped send eastern Europe into crisis, who aided in shooting down a passenger jet and who is about to invade the democratic country of Ukraine.  ”I was a little shocked myself when I saw the survey responses start to trickle in” said the 14 year President. “I was hoping to see them somewhere in the ballpark of 130 or 140%. Oh well, I guess there’s always next year, or the year after, or the year after that.”

Hobby Lobby cashier not crazy about switching to the rhythm method

Ethel Horner of Broomfield’s Hobby Lobby is concerned about a recent supreme court decision that could mean that Plan B will no longer by covered by her employer.  ”At $40 for every broken condom, you do the math,” said Horner. “It starts to add up pretty fast.”

RTD: Next phase of 36 project to include attaching your genitals to live electrical wires

The U.S. 36 project is a CDOT-led effort that will bring 18 miles of Bus Rapid Transit service between Downtown Denver and Boulder. The FasTracks project has so far impressed thousands of drivers who initially thought they wanted a train, but have since been won over by the idea of a second bus lane that will be ready in 2036.  ”I can’t say I’ve enjoyed massive daytime delays and night time luge-track driving conditions while bright lights are shone directly into my eyes,” said commuter Mike Aguilar. “But I am trying to keep an open mind about the second phase of 36 construction, which, as I understand it, involves the attachment of live electric wires to my genitalia.”

Jamestown residents no longer have to wonder when unmarked black government helicopters will arrive

Black federal government controlled helicopters descended on Jamestown following massive flooding this September, evacuating residents from their homes. “It was a helluva relief for me and my neighbors to see those choppers coming down,” said longtime Jamestown resident Seamus Landon. “Now the only thing on my mind is where I’m going to live and who really killed Princess Diana.”

To win back American public, NSA sends e-card to all of your contacts

The National Security Agency was revealed last week to have  obtained access to the central servers of major U.S. Internet companies as part of a secret program involving the monitoring of emails, file transfers, photos, videos, chats, and even live surveillance of search terms.  Many Americans were upset to learn that the government has been watching every word and keystroke of its citizens. The NSA, in an effort to bolster its image, has finally settled on the perfect way to say “I’m sorry.”