Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

As Ebola patient transported to US, nation silently worries that maybe no one else saw Contagion

As Nancy Writebol was transferred from Liberia to Emory University in Atlanta for Ebola treatment, some Americans were relieved that Writebol would get the best medical care her country could offer. Others couldn’t help wondering if they were the only ones who saw Contagion. “If you saw Contagion, you know a virus like Ebola can spread pretty quickly, particularly if you don’t have someone like Matt Damon trying to find out who Gwyneth Paltrow was having an affair with,” said one local Ebola expert. “I guess that means we need to find out who all Writebol was sleeping with.”

After weekend bender, stoner losers return to work designing nation’s spacecraft

The final barrier to a hedonistic society fell this weekend as Boulderites saw marijuana for the first time. Stoner losers Aaron Pollack and Luke Adams spent most of Sunday destroying American ideals and traditional values as they smoked a joint and watched Big Lebowski. “I feel like I could sit here all afternoon and relax,” said Adams, shifting some of the pillows around and taking a drink of tea. Fortunately, the lazy good-for-nothing stoners returned to work Monday designing spacecraft and conducting atmospheric research.

Oxygen bar gift card perfect gift for man who really, really likes oxygen

For last minute Christmas shoppers looking for the perfect gift to get the man who has everything, local 02 enthusiast Brian Nileman recommends a gift card to an oxygen bar. “If there is one gift no man can get enough of, it’s oxygen,” said Nileman. “Now what other gift can you say that about?”

Jamestown residents no longer have to wonder when unmarked black government helicopters will arrive

Black federal government controlled helicopters descended on Jamestown following massive flooding this September, evacuating residents from their homes. “It was a helluva relief for me and my neighbors to see those choppers coming down,” said longtime Jamestown resident Seamus Landon. “Now the only thing on my mind is where I’m going to live and who really killed Princess Diana.”

Flooded basement leaves turd feeling isolated and helpless Sep28

Flooded basement leaves turd feeling isolated and helpless

“In the back of my mind I knew I lived in the flood plain, but a flood seemed like such a remote possibility that it didn’t really enter into my consciousness,” said the turd floating in Maureen and Michael Thompson’s basement at 5th and Juniper. ” Then I woke up and my world was turned upside down. The carpets are totally ruined, all of the furniture is going to be thrown away. To tell you the truth, I feel really disgusting right now.”