Winter catches United Airlines by surprise for 27th straight year

“What people who spend three or four hours on hold waiting for a customer service agent don’t seem to understand that this is just what happens when there is a surprise winter storm,” United’s customer service manager Mike Doyle explained Monday.¬†“It’s the cosmos way of saying ‘sit back, enjoy whatever godforsaken airport you happen to be stranded in, and try not to let our theme song make you tear your heart out with your bare hands.'” He added, “the good news is that we have a plan for 2018 right here on this floppy disk.”

Traveler exhausted after 5 kitchen remodels on flight from New Jersey to Denver

United passenger Travis Wolf stepped off the plan exhausted Thursday afternoon after watching five kitchen remodels ¬†between New Jersey and Denver. “I wasn’t going to fall into the DYI trap again, but the guy in 7F was watching, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the cabinet sanding. I started out with ‘Kitchen Nightmares’ but that got a little intense so I switched over to ‘Kitchen Renovations,’ and then caught the tail end of ‘I hate my kitchen.’ I’m walking away with a sense of accomplishment but also feel pretty moved and proud to know that I’m giving back. First these people hated their kitchens and now they love them.”      

Skymall perfect for anyone who never wants to have sex again

“This hair growth accelerometer allows me to concentrate on my hair and this awesome book I’m reading called the 4-Hour Work Week,” said Tim Johnson when we reached him at home Friday night. “I find the bar scene to be really annoying because I always find myself in some strange bed, in some strange sorority house. What a waste of time, huh?”

Competitive Sleeping: Boulder’s answer to Pesky Spells of Darkness

“I’d started noticing that from about 8pm to 6am, it was like the whole world was shrouded in total darkness,” said local banker Scott Derger as he pedaled on his trainer. “I found myself sleeping for five or six hours every night, probably just out of fatigue and boredom.” “I honestly didn’t know what to do with those dark hours aside from pedal on my trainer; lift weights; run on the treadmill; use my juicer and make protein shakes. Thankfully, I discovered competitive sleeping, which allows me to be a hyper-competitive douchebag even while I’m sleeping. Rock on.”    

Garden Gnome swears by raw foods diet

At least one Boulder-based garden gnome has begun to take his health seriously. But he insists this isn’t about him, but gnomes everywhere. “As you’ve probably noticed, most garden gnomes are overweight, if not obese. I’m trying to create a food revolution,” said Hedbiddle Schepmalkin in an interview Wednesday. “As we’re learning, science now proves that cooking not only destroys nutrition and enzymes but chemically changes foods from the substances needed for health into acid-forming toxins, free-radicals and poisons that destroy our health. Our bodies are designed to be alkaline. This raw foods diet has not only given me a sexier, slimmer body, but far more energy than before. I think the Begonias are into me.”

Women gets best ideas while boyfriend having sex with her Jan26

Women gets best ideas while boyfriend having sex with her

Vanessa Schuback has found that in past years, intercourse is the one thing that really gets her creative juices flowing. “I think it’s because sex is the only time when my mind goes completely blank,” she said in an interview. “I have no idea where I am, what’s happening or who I’m with. I’m just staring at the ceiling completely bored. But, that’s how great ideas like artificial decorator plant that’s also a litterbox get started.