Nation growing weary of waiting for far North Broomfield to connect to Sheridan underpass

For hikers, bikers, and runners and commuters alike — the Broomfield Trail just became more connected. “Broomfield residents who are growing tired of getting in their cars every time they want to pay a visit to the Sheridan underpass just got an early Christmas present,” said Cindy Aries, Deputy director of Broomfield Open Space and Trails at a ribbon cutting ceremony held earlier today. “This isn’t just a victory for dogwalkers and rollerbladers. It’s a victory for all of us who are ready to take the car culture out of suburbia.  Now, for families who want to go to Costco but don’t want to pollute the environment, there’s a better, carbon neutral option. And that option is a bicycle with a huge, huge cart dragging behind it.”

Cycling app takes guesswork out of measuring your worth as human being Aug31

Cycling app takes guesswork out of measuring your worth as human being

“Before Strava, people rode their bikes for fun and exercise,” said Strava spokesman Brian Denning. “And that was ok, except that going out and having a good time didn’t answer the question, how much better are you than other people?  For that kind of information, you had to rely on crude tools that didn’t involve icons of trophies or public rankings: tools like  Facebook, Instagram and whether or not you went to Middlebury. We set out to change all that, and we did it a lot better than anyone else, a lot better.

Fart is as excited as anyone about the end of yoga class

“I feel guilty saying this, but this yoga class had better end really fucking soon because I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” said a fart in Monday’s 6:00AM Vinyasa 2 class as it desperately  clutched the walls of Elaine  Rolling’s descending colon. “I don’t mean to diminish the importance of  yoga in my own spiritual and interpersonal growth, or my genuine affection for plow pose, but for the love of all things holy, please let me out of here.”

Hula hooper hopes to bring out inner pervert in everyone

“One of the things I like most about taking off most of my clothes, covering my body in oil and gyrating my hips is that it simultaneously screams “kids’ play time!” and “let’s have sex!” said Hula Hoop artist Geenya Moon-Star.  “It’s just this kind of conflation of childhood and adulthood that makes Hooping a perfect activity for fun-for-the-family events like daytime concerts, festivals or even just a sunny day on the walking mall when you think no one is going to be nude.  One second, you’re watching me and are reminded about how much fun you had hula hooping as a kid, and the next minute you’re watching me and wondering – well – if you really should have been doing this as a kid.”    

ElliptiGO offers low impact alternative to dating members of opposite sex

Lou Flecker bought his first ElliptiGO several months ago, after a calf injury threatened to prevent him from training for the long distance runs he’s been doing for years. But even after the injury healed, Flecker was hooked. “It’s one of those new sports you hesitate to pick up because of the pricetag and also because you have to rent a spare garage to store the equipment,” said Flecker in an interview Friday.  “But, like running, it’s easy to get addicted. There are also lots of benefits you don’t have with other sports. For starters, how often can you bring your Men’s Health magazine with you on a run? Second, it’s easy on your joints. And last but not least, all you have to do is own the ElliptiGO and it’s about 1000% guaranteed that you never again have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.”

Computrainer class takes blue pill

Choosing the blue pill Friday, a team of CAC members simulated a a bike ride in a small, dark room where their legs’ power output was digitally reproduced in a fictional, unblemished universe where better-looking avatars competed for top speeds on illusory roads. As cyclist Tonhee Rolls plugged into the computer system Friday, she explained the choice. “First of all, I don’t eat red dye number 5. Second, the blue pill? Guess what? Zero carbs.”