Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain Mar29

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain

After years of masturbating to the same fondue fountain, Sean Palter announced Thursday that he was ready for a change and that he’d found a new chocolate fondue fountain. “It’s not that anything was wrong with the old one,” said Palter. “We had a lot of great times together and I am grateful for the memories we shared. But in the end, [the old] fountain was a better fit on paper than in real life. We’re just really different. I know there are no guarantees but I’m going to give things a shot with this new fondue fountain.”

Jesus secretly hoping for LuLu Lemon yoga pants on birthday

“Two-thousand thirteen is a big one, which is why I’m hoping someone will think to pick up a pair of LuLu Lemon Kung Fu Pants (33×32, stone),” said Jesus, who admitted the pants were extremely overpriced, but adorable. “The mind body connection that comes from yoga is so much more than just stretching,” said the son of God Tuesday. “But stretching is a big part of yoga, and my robe keeps flopping up during headstand and exposing my junk.”

Hamster completely demoralized when forced to order size “medium” race jersey

“It looked awesome online, but when the small jersey came in the mail I was like, what the hell do you want me to do with this? Give it to my pet goldfish to swim around in? This jersey isn’t going to fit a full grown hamster,” said a visibly upset Nibbles on Tuesday. “I’m not tooting my own horn here, but I’ve always been small, if not downright petite.  I take spin classes, I take the stairs instead of the elevator, and I’ve been eating right for my blood type since 2007.”

Local Crossfit enthusiast spends four excruciating hours not talking about crossfit

“Nothing in life is easy but if Crossfit has taught me one thing, it’s that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to,” said one local enthusiast who promised his friends he wouldn’t talk about his gym for 24 hours. “Oh crap.”

Special Olympians no longer feel quite as special following Boulder Res fundraising plunge

After watching volunteers dress up in superhero costumes and dive into 32 degree water Sunday morning, many special olympians reported feeling that they were no longer the most special ones in the room. “We all appreciate their fundraising efforts and their dedication to the Special Olympics,” said one athlete, “but at some point you kind of have to wonder, is something wrong with these people?”

Ordinary trip to apothecary waiting room gets personal

What Oprah and Lance Armstrong both thought was going to be just another ordinary trip to the apothecary waiting room turned into much more on Thursday morning. “There I was, sipping my water  out of a bendy straw and minding my own business, when in walks Oprah,”  said Armstrong in a series of tweets  on Friday. “It was a hard conversation for me to have, and an even harder conversation for my publicist to watch, but it was time for me to have a long hard look at that guy who did some pretty terrible things a long time ago when everyone else was doing them too. And for that, he’s sorry.”