Boxcar and lululemon team up to create coffee drink that makes you feel poor, overweight

Boxcar™ and lululemon ™ are teaming up to create an end-of-summer specialty drink featuring a combination of the Kenya Kirimahiga ™ beans and the smell of milk (or sugar).  The specialty coffee drink is made from handpicked beans that have experienced the high altitude Boilermaker ™ brewing method designed to brew a perfect™ cup of coffee at a lower boiling temperature by immersing the grounds in boiling water™.  “What I love about this coffee is that the coffee grounds have been immersed in boiling water,” said lululemon’s Amanda Sage. “I can almost guarantee that this cup of coffee will be the best $12 you ever spend, unless you’re counting the lululemon ™ foam block™.”

Mortified Burning Man reveler can’t believe he left unicorn costume back in Boulder

Suddenly self-conscious in gold  lamé boxer briefs and suspenders, Burning Man reveler Mark Sanders found himself wishing he’d remembered the unicorn outfit back in his south Boulder bedroom.  “I feel like an idiot right now,” said Sanders. ” I can see the pubic hair from my testicles poking out of these  shorts. I wish someone would have said something before we left the Winnebago.  I could have at least changed into my cow-print unitard.”

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase Sep03

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase

Tina Cooper signaled Friday to boyfriend Scott that she was ready to take their relationship to the next level by peeling off her shirt to reveal a stained and fraying pink sports bra that she’d gotten as a hand-me-down from a college roommate.  Just the night before, she’d crammed the two Victoria’s Secret push up bras she’d been alternating to the back of the underwear drawer.  “I don’t want to say I’ll never need these again,” said Cooper, a new spring in her step and faint body odor emanating from the bra. “I know that it’s possible we could breakup some day and I’d have to go back out into the dating world. But I’m hoping Scott understands as well as I do what this move means for us.”

Nibbles wants to know where Bunga Bunga party will be

When Vicenzo “Nibbles” Nibali crossed the finish line of the Tour earlier today, he became the first Italian to win a Tour de France in 16 years. The victory was shared by fans all over the world who were rooting for the Italian, at least one of which was a hamster with the same nickname.  ”I had to watch. I don’t care if I’m the only one who is,” wrote Nibbles Schmeckenhoffer on his Facebook page.  ”Anyway, now that Italy finally has something to celebrate, will someone please show me the Campari, fake volcanos and underage prostitutes, cause I’m  ready to party!”

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain Mar29

Triathlete masturbates to new fondue fountain

After years of masturbating to the same fondue fountain, Sean Palter announced Thursday that he was ready for a change and that he’d found a new chocolate fondue fountain. “It’s not that anything was wrong with the old one,” said Palter. “We had a lot of great times together and I am grateful for the memories we shared. But in the end, [the old] fountain was a better fit on paper than in real life. We’re just really different. I know there are no guarantees but I’m going to give things a shot with this new fondue fountain.”

Jesus secretly hoping for LuLu Lemon yoga pants on birthday

“Two-thousand thirteen is a big one, which is why I’m hoping someone will think to pick up a pair of LuLu Lemon Kung Fu Pants (33×32, stone),” said Jesus, who admitted the pants were extremely overpriced, but adorable. “The mind body connection that comes from yoga is so much more than just stretching,” said the son of God Tuesday. “But stretching is a big part of yoga, and my robe keeps flopping up during headstand and exposing my junk.”