Fart is as excited as anyone about the end of yoga class

“I feel guilty saying this, but this yoga class had better end really fucking soon because I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” said a fart in Monday’s 6:00AM Vinyasa 2 class as it desperately  clutched the walls of Elaine  Rolling’s descending colon. “I don’t mean to diminish the importance of  yoga in my own spiritual and interpersonal growth, or my genuine affection for plow pose, but for the love of all things holy, please let me out of here.”

Boulder reservoir provides example of what can happen when uncircumcised men don’t wash properly

This morning’s test results showed that bacteria levels had gone down far enough to reopen the Boulder Res, much to the delight of Ironman race director Doug Kensin. “I’m really excited to give these athletes the opportunity to surf that fine line between nasty rash and mysterious pink bumps,” said Kensin. “I don’t have to tell you, but the Res can be a scary place. That said, I’m glad our athletes are going to get the chance not only to push their muscles to the brink, but also to see what kind of stuff their immune systems are made of.”  

Hula hooper hopes to bring out inner pervert in everyone

“One of the things I like most about taking off most of my clothes, covering my body in oil and gyrating my hips is that it simultaneously screams “kids’ play time!” and “let’s have sex!” said Hula Hoop artist Geenya Moon-Star.  “It’s just this kind of conflation of childhood and adulthood that makes Hooping a perfect activity for fun-for-the-family events like daytime concerts, festivals or even just a sunny day on the walking mall when you think no one is going to be nude.  One second, you’re watching me and are reminded about how much fun you had hula hooping as a kid, and the next minute you’re watching me and wondering – well – if you really should have been doing this as a kid.”    

ElliptiGO offers low impact alternative to dating members of opposite sex

Lou Flecker bought his first ElliptiGO several months ago, after a calf injury threatened to prevent him from training for the long distance runs he’s been doing for years. But even after the injury healed, Flecker was hooked. “It’s one of those new sports you hesitate to pick up because of the pricetag and also because you have to rent a spare garage to store the equipment,” said Flecker in an interview Friday.  “But, like running, it’s easy to get addicted. There are also lots of benefits you don’t have with other sports. For starters, how often can you bring your Men’s Health magazine with you on a run? Second, it’s easy on your joints. And last but not least, all you have to do is own the ElliptiGO and it’s about 1000% guaranteed that you never again have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.”

Computrainer class takes blue pill

Choosing the blue pill Friday, a team of CAC members simulated a a bike ride in a small, dark room where their legs’ power output was digitally reproduced in a fictional, unblemished universe where better-looking avatars competed for top speeds on illusory roads. As cyclist Tonhee Rolls plugged into the computer system Friday, she explained the choice. “First of all, I don’t eat red dye number 5. Second, the blue pill? Guess what? Zero carbs.”

Woman dropped during spin class Dec14

Woman dropped during spin class

Just when Fran Spalanker thought spin class couldn’t get any closer to simulating a group ride, she got dropped Tuesday by the rest of class. “It was a zone 3 & 4 day” explained the instructor. “We don’t like to drop anyone in spin, but Fran was having trouble keeping up. I think the problem was that when everyone else was making quarter turns to the right, Fran was making 1/6 of a turn to the right. She didn’t think anyone would notice, but she was wrong.”