Boy Scouts of America, once vehemently opposed to rubbing shoulders with openly gay men and boys, are now reconsidering their longtime ban on gays. The move is seen as very positive for all three gay men who would ever consider joining an organization that required them to spend an entire weekend wandering around lost in the woods  in a short sleeved brown polyester shirt and blue bolo tie.   

After watching volunteers dress up in superhero costumes and dive into 32 degree water Sunday morning, many special olympians reported feeling that they were no longer the most special ones in the room. “We all appreciate their fundraising efforts and their dedication to the Special Olympics,” said one athlete, “but at some point you kind of have to wonder, is something wrong with these people?”

Andrew Spiegler celebrated his journey into manhood last Saturday with a long anticipated trip to the cocktail table set up in the  Herbert Hoover Ballroom. “I know this event is bigger than just me,” said the 12 year old. “I am just a small part of a very long and large tradition that started with my forefathers: Moses, Aaron, Jacob and Isaac. This strawberry daquari is really just as much for them as much as it is for me.”  

BOULDER, Colo.—Several hundred people turned out for a vigil in Boulder for an elk killed by a police officer. Those honoring the dead elk on Sunday lit candles, sang and told stories.

What Oprah and Lance Armstrong both thought was going to be just another ordinary trip to the apothecary waiting room turned into much more on Thursday morning. “There I was, sipping my water  out of a bendy straw and minding my own business, when in walks Oprah,”  said Armstrong in a series of tweets  on Friday. “It was a hard conversation for me to have, and an even harder conversation for my publicist to watch, but it was time for me to have a long hard look at that guy who did some pretty terrible things a long time ago when everyone else was doing them too. And for that, he’s sorry.”

“I really think this is what Jesus would have wanted,” said one of the Mountain Pine Beetles spending this Christmas in the Nolans’ living room. “Yes, it’s warm. Yes, there is egg nog and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the popcorn on my tree. But what’s really important is that the family is together. There is something about the smell of mulled wine and sugar cookies  and wood paneling on the walls that makes me think I could stay here forever.”

“Our goal was to bring a level of femininity back to the pantsuit,” explained Talbots CEO Joe Grishelms in a quarterly earnings call Monday. “The crotchless houndstooth pant was introduced for the working woman who felt traditional pants were too boring, too masculine and too warm. As it turns out, the marketplace is  not ready for this look yet.”