In classic bath salt mix up, Reiki infused bath salt turns out to be infused with Serenity, not Love

Veroniqua Lapis poured a half cup of Reiki infused bath salts in her hot bath Saturday night, only to realize too late that the jar labeled “Love” was actually “Serenity.”  “It was pretty clear, pretty fast,” said Lapis, who was really looking forward to those bath salts.  “I do try to live in the present and take things in stride, but I wish companies would be more conscientious about quality control.” She continued, “this was a huge disappointment for me– especially coming  practically on the heels of the chipotle Norovirus catastrophe.”

In spare time, Brad Feld offers helpful tips on how to cut back ornamental grasses

“If you haven’t already taken the time to cut back the ornamental grasses in your garden, next weekend is going to be the time to put it on the schedule,” wrote Brad Feld in a recent Daily Camera article. Feld, best known for his work as an entrepreneur, author, blogger, venture capitalist, Techstars Co-Founder, art collector and serious marathon runner, is perhaps lesser known for his gardening, semi-professional kite sailing,  horsemanship and the Bonzai tree garden his is cultivating in the solar-powered greenhouse he built in his backyard.  Feld encouraged readers not to delay in cutting back the grasses now, which “helps them send up healthy clumps of new growth and tidies up the remains of last year. It takes about an hour in the morning and an hour at night, but you’ll be thanking me when you realize how much time you have left this summer to brew your own Kombucha and and run a venture fund.”

Barista wastes another shift waiting for someone to ask his opinions on David Foster Wallace

I’ve been working here at the The Coffee Shoppe for almost seven months, and I think I’ve made it pretty nonverbally clear that I’m not here because I have some perverse fascination with coffee beans or because I enjoy making meaningless chit chat with your average customer, or God forbid, the horse’s ass who comes in here for a decaf sugar free vanilla latte. And I’m not just another BILF,” said a frustrated Senior Barista Lawrence Arthur Wright-Steiner on Tuesday morning. “Anyone with a keen and observant eye who also takes the time to listen to the records I’ve selected could probably guess that I’m a double English Philosophy major. I’ve also left several hints, such as not using the cash register to make change, that would suggest I’m pretty good at math.  I wear an apron with leather straps for chrissakes.  I’ve got a man bun. Frankly, I don’t know what else I can do to get someone to ask me my opinion on David Foster Wallace. Yeah, I know.  The answer to that is your prototypical non-directly-observable-entity.”

Vitamin Cottage clears out on Super Tuesday Mar02

Vitamin Cottage clears out on Super Tuesday

Despite it being Kombucha night at Vitamin Cottage, Boulder’s residents made a strong showing at Tuesday’s Caucus. “This caucus was not just an opportunity to  exercise our liberty and celebrate the often confusing and archaic art of democracy, but it’s also nice to get out and meet other KUNC listeners,” said Stacy Sternbot of Shanahan Ridge, who was packed into a middle school auditorium with 400 other Bernie Sanders fans.  “It’s also a great opportunity to find out if Tom’s lemongrass deodorant really works.”    

Crispin Porter designer leaves office, fails to see shadow, returns to cubicle for another six weeks

When Guy Rogers unclasped his ankle bracelet to leave the Gunbarrel headquarters of Crispin Porter + Bogusky  Friday, he was half hoping to see his shadow, half hoping not to.  “I guess I have mixed feelings on leaving the office,” said Rogers, who hasn’t brushed his teeth since Monday. “I think we all remember that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Brooks gets paroled,” he explained.  “From my point of view, it won’t be long until I’m promoted to working on the mock-campaign for Fruit of the Loom where guys are wearing saran wrap underwear over their underwear.  Plus, I’m at extremely low risk of melanoma.”.

Snoop Dogg to appear in BK hot dog training video, answering age old question about what happens to former rappers who don’t get shot to death

Burger King is introducing hot dogs and chili dogs in 7000 stores next month. But first, the chain will train employees on the complexities of hot dog cooking, which are rumored to include taking the frozen meat out of a plastic bag and putting it on the grill next to the hamburgers, and then putting the rubbery meat onto a bun and handing it to a hooker at 3am.  The instructional  video will feature the star of such films as Doggumentary and Doggystyle rapping about warming up meat in the back of a fast food kitchen, finally answering the age old question of what happens to former rap stars who don’t get shot..

Ice Climber accidentally ejaculates to the idea of being anywhere else on entire planet other than stuck on cold side of cliff

“I lost my concentration for a second and my mind must have wandered off. Before I  knew it I was thinking about being interned in a Japanese POW camp during World War II. That kind of put me over the edge because the  the next thing I know, boom, warm stuff in my pants,”  said climber Thaddeus Maddox.  “It’s certainly not an ideal situation to be hovering on a ledge over all of these other software engineers with shorts full of spooge, but at least it’s not the other way around.”     .