Crispin Porter designer leaves office, fails to see shadow, returns to cubicle for another six weeks

When Guy Rogers unclasped his ankle bracelet to leave the Gunbarrel headquarters of Crispin Porter + Bogusky  Friday, he was half hoping to see his shadow, half hoping not to.  “I guess I have mixed feelings on leaving the office,” said Rogers, who hasn’t brushed his teeth since Monday. “I think we all remember that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Brooks gets paroled,” he explained.  “From my point of view, it won’t be long until I’m promoted to working on the mock-campaign for Fruit of the Loom where guys are wearing saran wrap underwear over their underwear.  Plus, I’m at extremely low risk of melanoma.”.

Snoop Dogg to appear in BK hot dog training video, answering age old question about what happens to former rappers who don’t get shot to death

Burger King is introducing hot dogs and chili dogs in 7000 stores next month. But first, the chain will train employees on the complexities of hot dog cooking, which are rumored to include taking the frozen meat out of a plastic bag and putting it on the grill next to the hamburgers, and then putting the rubbery meat onto a bun and handing it to a hooker at 3am.  The instructional  video will feature the star of such films as Doggumentary and Doggystyle rapping about warming up meat in the back of a fast food kitchen, finally answering the age old question of what happens to former rap stars who don’t get shot..

Ice Climber accidentally ejaculates to the idea of being anywhere else on entire planet other than stuck on cold side of cliff

“I lost my concentration for a second and my mind must have wandered off. Before I  knew it I was thinking about being interned in a Japanese POW camp during World War II. That kind of put me over the edge because the  the next thing I know, boom, warm stuff in my pants,”  said climber Thaddeus Maddox.  “It’s certainly not an ideal situation to be hovering on a ledge over all of these other software engineers with shorts full of spooge, but at least it’s not the other way around.”     .

Boulder looks on with pride as obese men in spandex appear to hit training milestone Jan25

Boulder looks on with pride as obese men in spandex appear to hit training milestone

“It seemed like a great match,” observed Roger Saplow, using his shoe to unroll a neighbor’s Daily Camera Monday morning. “Those guys look like they’ve been training hard.  Obviously, they have a ways to go before they’re in any kind of passable physical condition, but I’m proud of them for getting out there in the cold weather and getting their heart rates up.  You gotta start somewhere.”.

Number of women assaulted by Bill Cosby now officially outnumbers the total number of women who have ever watched The History Channel’s Civil Wa...

On Wednesday, Bill Cosby was charged with aggravated indecent assault for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Costand in 2004, bringing the total number of women who have come forward to accuse the comedian of assault over several decades to 55.  To the History Channel, this number is significant because it represents the total number of women who have ever tuned into the channel’s Civil War Journal. Controversially, the 55 figure includes one woman, Ethel Werner, who was recovering from pneumonia in the hospital and was simply too weak to reach the remote control..

After Star Wars show sells out, guy dressed as Ewok opts for indy lesbian love story Jan02

After Star Wars show sells out, guy dressed as Ewok opts for indy lesbian love story

When Harry Stillman showed up too late Friday to get tickets to Star Wars: A Force Awakens, he opted instead for Carol, a drama about two women who become entrapped in a forbidden love affair in the 1950s. “While Rooney Mara gracefully evoked Audrey Hepburn, and Blanchett was convincing as a temptress, ultimately the plot moved too slowly, lacked theatrical punch, and so loosely drifted against the backdrop of McCarthy hearings that I never felt them tearing apart the emotional fabric of the love affair,” said Stillman. He added: “On the other hand, the cinematography was elegant, and I will not just be shocked, but disappointed if Carol isn’t nominated in the costume design category this year.”.

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet” Jan01

Boulder woman who hasn’t looked at newspaper in 6 months convinced that 2016 going to be “best year yet”

Connie Jenkins, who has not seen a newspaper or turned on the TV news for at least six months, announced on Facebook Friday that 2016 is going to be the best year yet. “I just have that feeling that now that we have terrorism and climate change pretty much under control, everything from here on out is just coasting,” wrote Jenkins. “2016 is going to be the best one yet.”.