Specialty cheese shop runs out of chocolate with the fancy paper

A local cheese and specialty foods shop temporarily ran out of fancy chocolate Friday. “First of all, the shop played ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas‘  twelve times over a four hour period, so I was already on the edge of driving a sharp object through my eye,” said Harry the paper mache pig from his hospital room. “Then, they ran out of the really good chocolate, the bars wrapped in matte paper with classy geometric prints – almost like wallpaper or Ralph Lauren pyjamas – very Brooklyn, with a hint of sailing.   It’s one of my favorites and it pairs perfectly with our Portobello Mushroom Soup with Goat Cheese Croutons. I know you’re looking at me like hanging myself was an overreaction, but it’s not like they ran out of Chocolove.”

Spider spends another lonely night fantasizing about mating with Kim Kardashian’s eyelash extensions

Larry, a common Colorado Hacklemesh Weaver, spent another lonely night in his web behind the Casterman’s sofa, wondering what it would be like to spend just one night with Kim Kardashian’s lash extensions. “I’ll tell you what,” said Larry, wiping the sweat from above his four eyes, “I hope Kanye appreciates what’s on that pillow next to him. Kim’s lashes look just like a girl I dated a long time ago, but younger and nastier. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn here when I say that I could f**k the s**t out of those falsies all night long,” added the spider, who ordinary tries not to be envious of celebrity personalities like Kanye. “Sometimes I have to remind myself that, as Washington Irving was fond of saying, ‘He is the true enchanter, whose spell operates, not upon the senses, but upon the imagination and the heart.'”

Starbucks attempts to repair tarnished image with new Christmas frappuccino straw

After its brutal 2015  attack on Christmas, Starbucks Coffee announced Thursday that it would be unveiling a new Christmas  Frappuccino straw.”I feel really bad about the decision this company made to omit the words ‘Merry Christmas’ from our red and green holiday cup,” said Regional Manager Dorothy McConnelly. “Truth is, I didn’t even know Christian ultra-conservatives were getting their coffee at Starbucks. I guess I thought  thought fair trade coffee would scare them off. Anyway, hopefully this straw will make up for any hurt feelings.”

After long afternoon at Aspen Tan, Trump stops by GOP debate

Boulder – While a few of the Republican candidates studied up on the particulars of their tax plans or rehearsed touching lines such as, “The best policy..is to let people rise and fall based on how good they are,”  at least one of the candidates was taking a nap at the Aspen Tan all afternoon. “I couldn’t come to Boulder and not stop by Aspen Tan,” said Trump, “plus it’s right next to my favorite restaurant, the California Pizza Kitchen.” (cc)

Longmont hits puberty

In a sign that Longmont has, at long last, reached puberty, the town is getting its first Whole Foods. “It’s an exciting time for all of us,” said a visibly moved Boulder woman who’s estranged niece has been living in Longmont. “If one of the signs of being an adult is eating cheese that hasn’t been dyed orange, pre-sliced and shrink-wrapped, then I think think it’s safe to say that Longmont’s testicles just dropped.” Longmont residents are excited as well.  In a telegraph message that went out on Friday, city officials announced: “It’s time to shake off the nickname ‘Longtucky’ with a kohlrabi party, whatever that is.” And whatever it is, partygoers will surely find out how it tastes cooked into a casserole with cream of mushroom soup and  french onion soup packets. ”  (MH)

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there Oct24

Nation’s newspapers confirm that Canada still up there

As news broke last week that there had been an election in Canada and that someone had won that election, North Americans took comfort that Canada was still up there.  “It’s not that I am deeply invested in the outcome of their elections,” said CU Assistant Professor Ben Lawrence.  “But it is nice to know that everything is running smoothly up there. My only suggestion would be that instead of taking up US newspaper space with meaningless details about their new Prime Minister blah blah blah, they could just do an annual email. You know, something like ‘still ok, all good, take it easy’ just to keep us up to date on Canadian affairs.”

Study: 97% of the time woman leaves room, man farts Oct18

Study: 97% of the time woman leaves room, man farts

A new study published in the New England Journal Of Medicine Tuesday reveals just how frequently men are farting when a woman leaves the room. The study reported that men are farting 97 out of every 100 times a woman gets up to go to another room, about 10% more often than most people thought.  “We need to qualify the findings,” cautioned one of the co-authors of the study. “First of all, these are early findings.  Second, we’re not talking about actual numbers of farts, or even the type of fart, but just whether or not there was a fart. Still, it’s a little troubling. I think most of us would have guessed the numbers would be much, much lower, maybe 70, 80% at most.”