Martin Acres 3-year-olds start bridge club

Eleanor, Sadie, Evelyn, Vera, Ava and Belle met for their first bridge club Monday night.  “It’s high time,” commented Belle, who had spilled a lot of marshmallow jello casserole down her shirt. “I just hope those bitches Vivian, Alice, Elsie, Pearl, Greta,  and Penelope don’t show up.” “Agreed,” said Vera. “Let’s keep the gals from knitting club out of this. This way, we can start at 4PM, have dinner, and be in bed by 7.”

Caribbean Princess adds new feature to popular on-deck zipline

After an outbreak of the Norovirus last week that sickened all 189 passengers on board the Caribbean Princess, parent company Royal Caribbean has decided to make some changes to the cruise ship’s activities. “If something like this happens again, we want to be prepared,” said RC Ambassador Bob London. “The zipline commode is just one way we think we can make guests more comfortable. The other is a late night couples event we’re going to call ‘Salsa Dancing in Diapers.’”

After weekend bender, stoner losers return to work designing nation’s spacecraft

The final barrier to a hedonistic society fell this weekend as Boulderites saw marijuana for the first time. Stoner losers Aaron Pollack and Luke Adams spent most of Sunday destroying American ideals and traditional values as they smoked a joint and watched Big Lebowski. “I feel like I could sit here all afternoon and relax,” said Adams, shifting some of the pillows around and taking a drink of tea. Fortunately, the lazy good-for-nothing stoners returned to work Monday designing spacecraft and conducting atmospheric research.

Winter catches United Airlines by surprise for 27th straight year

“What people who spend three or four hours on hold waiting for a customer service agent don’t seem to understand that this is just what happens when there is a surprise winter storm,” United’s customer service manager Mike Doyle explained Monday. ”It’s the cosmos way of saying ‘sit back, enjoy whatever godforsaken airport you happen to be stranded in, and try not to let our theme song make you tear your heart out with your bare hands.’” He added, “the good news is that we have a plan for 2018 right here on this floppy disk.”

Oxygen bar gift card perfect gift for man who really, really likes oxygen

For last minute Christmas shoppers looking for the perfect gift to get the man who has everything, local 02 enthusiast Brian Nileman recommends a gift card to an oxygen bar. “If there is one gift no man can get enough of, it’s oxygen,” said Nileman. “Now what other gift can you say that about?”

RTD: Next phase of 36 project to include attaching your genitals to live electrical wires

The U.S. 36 project is a CDOT-led effort that will bring 18 miles of Bus Rapid Transit service between Downtown Denver and Boulder. The FasTracks project has so far impressed thousands of drivers who initially thought they wanted a train, but have since been won over by the idea of a second bus lane that will be ready in 2036.  ”I can’t say I’ve enjoyed massive daytime delays and night time luge-track driving conditions while bright lights are shone directly into my eyes,” said commuter Mike Aguilar. “But I am trying to keep an open mind about the second phase of 36 construction, which, as I understand it, involves the attachment of live electric wires to my genitalia.”

Jesus secretly hoping for LuLu Lemon yoga pants on birthday

“Two-thousand thirteen is a big one, which is why I’m hoping someone will think to pick up a pair of LuLu Lemon Kung Fu Pants (33×32, stone),” said Jesus, who admitted the pants were extremely overpriced, but adorable. “The mind body connection that comes from yoga is so much more than just stretching,” said the son of God Tuesday. “But stretching is a big part of yoga, and my robe keeps flopping up during headstand and exposing my junk.”