Fart is as excited as anyone about the end of yoga class

“I feel guilty saying this, but this yoga class had better end really fucking soon because I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” said a fart in Monday’s 6:00AM Vinyasa 2 class as it desperately  clutched the walls of Elaine  Rolling’s descending colon. “I don’t mean to diminish the importance of  yoga in my own spiritual and interpersonal growth, or my genuine affection for plow pose, but for the love of all things holy, please let me out of here.”

Hula hooper hopes to bring out inner pervert in everyone

“One of the things I like most about taking off most of my clothes, covering my body in oil and gyrating my hips is that it simultaneously screams “kids’ play time!” and “let’s have sex!” said Hula Hoop artist Geenya Moon-Star.  “It’s just this kind of conflation of childhood and adulthood that makes Hooping a perfect activity for fun-for-the-family events like daytime concerts, festivals or even just a sunny day on the walking mall when you think no one is going to be nude.  One second, you’re watching me and are reminded about how much fun you had hula hooping as a kid, and the next minute you’re watching me and wondering – well – if you really should have been doing this as a kid.”    

ElliptiGO offers low impact alternative to dating members of opposite sex

Lou Flecker bought his first ElliptiGO several months ago, after a calf injury threatened to prevent him from training for the long distance runs he’s been doing for years. But even after the injury healed, Flecker was hooked. “It’s one of those new sports you hesitate to pick up because of the pricetag and also because you have to rent a spare garage to store the equipment,” said Flecker in an interview Friday.  “But, like running, it’s easy to get addicted. There are also lots of benefits you don’t have with other sports. For starters, how often can you bring your Men’s Health magazine with you on a run? Second, it’s easy on your joints. And last but not least, all you have to do is own the ElliptiGO and it’s about 1000% guaranteed that you never again have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.”

Unlikely friendship develops between Middlebury alum and person who never even attended Middlebury

“It’s easy to judge someone by the color of his Subaru and whether his to-go coffee mug is made from BPA-free plastic or just regular plastic,” said J.T. Thompson of a fast growing friendship with Peter Dayney. “But once you get beyond those snap judgments, you discover that underneath our Patagonia Nano-air jackets, we’re all just human beings. Realizing that was definitely one of those Huck Finn moments for me. Sure, Peter may not have gone to Midd, but he attended a different college, and I imagine that’s probably worth something too.”

iTunes 11.3 (53) update simultaneously interrupted by both and 11.3 (54) and 11.3 (55)

“I lost track of which iTunes version I was on in 2004,” said Kerry McConnolly Wednesday as she attempted to get up to date on her iTunes versions. “I don’t want to be the one still using iTunes 11.3 (53) when everyone else is on 11.5 (98),” said McConnolly, 34. “So here I am, just kind of wandering around in a fog with my Air Jordans on and no idea what version I’m even running. Then I start downloading updates.  I just tell myself that if I keep downloading, eventually my songs will appear in a list on my screen. And when I click one, it will play. Well, you never know.”

Food company breaks snack-food ground with product they are calling “granola”

“What sold us on this concept was the idea of mixing oats and nuts together,” said a spokesman form Upton-Tebo Investors (UTI) Friday. “Once these guys suggested it, we were like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense.’ We like to think of this product as blurring the boundary between breakfast category and snack category. You can eat it with your hands in the afternoon, but you can also eat it with a spoon in the morning. Did you get that? Spoon or hands. Hands or spoon.”

Computrainer class takes blue pill

Choosing the blue pill Friday, a team of CAC members simulated a a bike ride in a small, dark room where their legs’ power output was digitally reproduced in a fictional, unblemished universe where better-looking avatars competed for top speeds on illusory roads. As cyclist Tonhee Rolls plugged into the computer system Friday, she explained the choice. “First of all, I don’t eat red dye number 5. Second, the blue pill? Guess what? Zero carbs.”