Mortified Burning Man reveler can’t believe he left unicorn costume back in Boulder

Suddenly self-conscious in gold  lamé boxer briefs and suspenders, Burning Man reveler Mark Sanders found himself wishing he’d remembered the unicorn outfit back in his south Boulder bedroom.  “I feel like an idiot right now,” said Sanders. ” I can see the pubic hair from my testicles poking out of these  shorts. I wish someone would have said something before we left the Winnebago.  I could have at least changed into my cow-print unitard.”

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges Sep03

Starving sub-saharan African child eagerly awaits Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform wedges

“I’m fairly hungry and anxious about diseases like Malaria and Trypanosomiasis,” said eight-year old Abimbola Aziz Yfusu from a mat on the floor of her mud hut on Sunday.  ”But who doesn’t love shoes?  I’m just hoping for two things other than not getting Ebola. First, Tom’s Birds of Paradise Vegan Platform Wedges. And second, that the wedges smell better than Tom’s classic canvas slip ons.”

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase Sep03

Local woman celebrates progression of relationship into ugly bra phase

Tina Cooper signaled Friday to boyfriend Scott that she was ready to take their relationship to the next level by peeling off her shirt to reveal a stained and fraying pink sports bra that she’d gotten as a hand-me-down from a college roommate.  Just the night before, she’d crammed the two Victoria’s Secret push up bras she’d been alternating to the back of the underwear drawer.  “I don’t want to say I’ll never need these again,” said Cooper, a new spring in her step and faint body odor emanating from the bra. “I know that it’s possible we could breakup some day and I’d have to go back out into the dating world. But I’m hoping Scott understands as well as I do what this move means for us.”

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq Aug28

Out of better ideas, US sends Serena Williams to clean up situation in Iraq

BAGHDAD — Sunni militants consolidated and extended their control over northern Iraq on Wednesday, seizing Tikrit, the hometown of Saddam Hussein, threatening the strategic oil refining town of Baiji and pushing south toward Baghdad, their ultimate target, Iraqi sources said. “Basically, this entire situation has gone to complete shit and we have no idea what to do next,” said one high ranking US official.  ”So we’re playing our last card.” Williams, who is suffering from a knee injury, will stay until Tuesday to pick up where the US military, CIA and State Department and Peshmerga left off.

As Ebola patient transported to US, nation silently worries that maybe no one else saw Contagion

As Nancy Writebol was transferred from Liberia to Emory University in Atlanta for Ebola treatment, some Americans were relieved that Writebol would get the best medical care her country could offer. Others couldn’t help wondering if they were the only ones who saw Contagion. “If you saw Contagion, you know a virus like Ebola can spread pretty quickly, particularly if you don’t have someone like Matt Damon trying to find out who Gwyneth Paltrow was having an affair with,” said one local Ebola expert. “I guess that means we need to find out who all Writebol was sleeping with.”

Putin’s approval rating hits all time high of 120%

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings soared to an all-time high of 120% this week, a standing ovation for a man who’s helped send eastern Europe into crisis, who aided in shooting down a passenger jet and who is about to invade the democratic country of Ukraine.  ”I was a little shocked myself when I saw the survey responses start to trickle in” said the 14 year President. “I was hoping to see them somewhere in the ballpark of 130 or 140%. Oh well, I guess there’s always next year, or the year after, or the year after that.”

Nibbles wants to know where Bunga Bunga party will be

When Vicenzo “Nibbles” Nibali crossed the finish line of the Tour earlier today, he became the first Italian to win a Tour de France in 16 years. The victory was shared by fans all over the world who were rooting for the Italian, at least one of which was a hamster with the same nickname.  ”I had to watch. I don’t care if I’m the only one who is,” wrote Nibbles Schmeckenhoffer on his Facebook page.  ”Anyway, now that Italy finally has something to celebrate, will someone please show me the Campari, fake volcanos and underage prostitutes, cause I’m  ready to party!”